We are three sisters who grew up in a loving household, open and communicative with each other and our parents. Our father died suddenly last year, and it threw us all for a curve. Our mother was rocked to the core and has had a very sad year. She’s young and still working but had to take a leave of absence because her grief was so all-consuming.

I moved back home after university, so I’ve been with her all year. My younger sister is away at university but took the semester off after our father died and came home for those few months. It was just so sudden that it really threw us all off and we needed to be together.

The problem is my older sister, who lives with her boyfriend, not that far away from us. She threw herself into her work and her own life, and hasn’t really been there for us, meaning myself, my little sister and my mom. Whenever I reach out to her by phone, she doesn’t answer. If I text, she lets it go unread and doesn’t reply. No means of communication is responded to.

I know this is very hurtful for my mom, but she’s incapable of dealing with any more emotion at this time. I know my little sister is sad, missing her, and becoming angry at her absence. And to be honest, I’m starting to have the same emotions. How can I talk to her if she won’t pick up the phone?

Suddenly Grieving

Everyone grieves differently so don’t judge your sister right now. That doesn’t mean you have to be happy about the way she’s behaving, just understanding and forgiving.

I know you said she’s not responding to you in any way but keep trying. If she doesn’t live far, and you have the emotional energy, pick up some coffee and knock on her door. When she answers, wrap her up in a big hug. She probably needs it but can’t ask. Perhaps by avoiding you, your sister and your mom, she’s avoiding dealing with her own grief. Maybe she doesn’t have the strength to walk into your house knowing your father isn’t there and won’t be coming home. Maybe her grief is so enveloping that she doesn’t have the capacity to deal with anyone else’s.

From your description, you can shoulder your mother’s pain while managing your own. That takes a lot of strength! Your older sister seemingly doesn’t have that right now. Be there for her until she’s capable of being there for you.

My boyfriend keeps trying to cook these extravagant meals for me that he finds on TikTok. The first attempt was pretty, and looked like the video, but tasted terrible. We laughed and ordered pizza. But the more he tried, the worse the meals were. Some just turned out as piles of mush.

I do love that he’s trying but I can’t bear to watch him waste any more food, nor can I stomach another slice of pizza. What do I do?

Hungry

Your boyfriend certainly gets points for trying! Why don’t you find a recipe that you think you two could have fun making together. Plan a date night that includes grocery shopping, prepping, cleaning up while it cooks, and dining together. Working together as a team will highlight both of your strengths – and your areas of weakness. Everyone has them so don’t be shy. Talk about what you found easy, hard, what you would change to make the dish more personal, etc.

Do this a few times and then work on perfecting your dishes. Cooking doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but anyone can do it if they take their time and follow a good recipe.

FEEDBACK Regarding no love (June 19):

Reader – “The family and personal details of the brother's girlfriend are a very sore subject and the brother knows it, that's why he berates his sibling.

“If the sister keeps asking and is then always berated, she should clue in. Either the family passed away or is abusive. Perhaps the sister should ask her parents what are 'safe subjects' to discuss.

“The girlfriend may think that the sister is too nosey or insensitive but only expresses that in passive-aggressive rage.  It sounds like a trauma response, and that's why the girlfriend gets her boyfriend to handle it, instead of saying something she might regret later.

“If the sister is undiagnosed neurodivergent it might explain why she is so socially unaware, but she'll have to force herself to stop asking the girlfriend so many questions.”

Lisi – There’s not enough information to assess why either side is behaving badly.