My sister has terminal cancer. I wake up every morning wondering if she will wake up too. I make breakfast and lunch for my children, get them to school, and go to my sister. We spend several hours together, and then I leave and go to work. My manager has assured me that my position is stable even though I don’t arrive before noon. I work a few hours, go to the grocery store, and head home to cook dinner.
My kids have after-school activities that they get to with other people’s help or on their own, and then my husband picks them up on his way home from work. We eat dinner together early, so I can then take my sister’s portion over to her and sit with her while she eats. We watch TV, play cards or just talk. And then I go home and fall into bed knowing I have to do it all over again tomorrow.
Our father passed away not knowing my sister was sick. She had just found out and hadn’t yet told him when he had a stroke and died in his sleep. Our mother died years ago of the same cancer, which is why she didn’t want to tell dad. So, it’s just me.
I have no other support, and I feel as though I’m slowly disintegrating under the weight of all this pressure. I can’t quit my job because we need my income. I can’t stop parenting. And I can’t stop caring for my sister. Help!
Losing it
You need support. You’re carrying too much weight for one person. It’s imperative that you lean more on your husband. You’re right that you can’t quit your job, stop parenting or stop caring for your sister. But you have a husband who can take on the bulk of the parenting for this period.
You may also be able to take compassionate leave from your work, even if just for a week or two, to lessen the pressure and lighten the stress of having to be everywhere and focus on so many different things. There may also be more social services available to your sister that would also give you some caregiver reprieve.
And in that hour when you have help, or don’t have to rush to work, do something that recharges your battery, whether it’s taking a walk in nature, a yoga class or a nap. Take care of yourself too.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding no cure in pedicure (May 11):
Reader - “I would approach the manager/owner and explain what happened and the doctor’s comments. Do so in a professional informative manner. Do not be accusatory. A responsible and professional manager/owner would want to know, as it would affect their business and reputation. They may already be aware, or it may be the first-time hearing of this situation.
“Their response, or lack of, would then dictate next steps. If their response is to take action, either regarding reprimanding/dismissing employee or addressing potential equipment issues, the letter writer may want to continue frequenting this salon. However, if the response is dismissive, then I would definitely find somewhere else to go.
“About 20 years ago I had a similar situation involving a restaurant. Three of us got ill after eating there. I contacted the restaurant. They thought I wanted to pursue legal action and advised contacting their lawyer. But I explained I was just interested in getting the issue resolved, for the sake of the restaurant.
“I had a good discussion with the manager/owner. He investigated and discovered that an employee had failed to clean their ice-cream machine properly. He offered us a free meal and personally took care of us when we took him up on his offer.”
Reader #2 – “Wow! Not giving the salon the heads-up is not right. They MAY say they weren’t the cause of her infection, but they may also say thanks for letting us know and giving us the opportunity to do better.”
Reader #3 – “Your response revealed a lack of knowledge regarding sepsis. The fact her toe was tender when treated indicated it was infected then. A fungal infection is a slowly developing entity, so it very likely predated the pedicure session. The clinic was likely blameless, and she had this infection for some time (weeks) prior to her pedicure.”
Reader #4 – “The writer might consider choosing a foot nurse or podiatry specialist. The cost might be more, but perhaps the treatments would be needed less often and given the writer’s devotion to running and of course their available funds, might consider this a worthwhile investment in their chosen pastime.”