Unbeknownst to me, my boyfriend has been looking for places for us to move in together. We hadn’t really discussed it, but he took it upon himself and wanted to surprise me. So, he enlisted the help of his sister, whom I adore, and the two of them have been hitting the streets, viewing apartment after apartment. Apparently, they found one they really love, and that they both agree I will really love.

The only caveat is that the landlord will NOT speak with me ever about anything. She will ONLY speak with my boyfriend and ONLY his name will go on the lease. She sounds unhinged to me, and I’m happy not to have to deal with her in any way, but –

What if something happens and we break up? What if something happens and he gets sick? Just, what if…?

Do you think I should agree to this place?

Loopy Landlord

I believe the first decision you need to make is whether you even want to move in with your boyfriend! You say you two hadn’t really discussed it, but had it come up at all in conversation? Are you OK that he went ahead and took the plunge? Some people might be annoyed by their boyfriend taking charge like that; others would think it fun and sweet.

Let’s say, for the sake of discussion, that you have agreed to move in with him. Before you say yes to anything, you must see the place. It’s fantastic that his sister did all the legwork with him (she sounds great!), but it’s still your potential future home, so you must approve before they sign anything.

As far as the landlord’s stipulations, your boyfriend MUST get it in writing that, in case of emergency, the landlord MUST agree to speak with you. If she won’t, it’s a dealbreaker. That’s just too unsettling. As you say, what if….?

My husband and I recently split up. It just wasn’t working between us. He was slipping further away, and I couldn’t get a handle on what was happening. The more I asked what was bothering him, the less he spoke. The more I invited him to do things with me – anything! – the less time we spent together. He ignored me, made his own plans, and acted like I wasn’t even there. It finally reached a point where I felt invisible in my own home.

I reached out to a lawyer and started the separation procedure. When I told my husband, he flipped out at me! He acted incredulous, as though this was literally coming out of left field. He went on and on what an incredible husband he is, and I’d never find anyone like him. It was as though the person I had been living with had taken over my husband’s body, but now that I had presented him with his future, the real hubby had reappeared!

What am I supposed to do in this situation? He is refusing to accept the split.

Confused

This is classic behaviour from someone who is engaging in a push-pull dynamic, to maintain control over the situation. They don’t want to be properly invested in the relationship, but they want to call the shots. So, they mess with your mind, confusing you, trying to get you to accept their apology, their promises to change.

If you love your husband, you may very well want to give him another chance. It may work out great for you. Unfortunately, more than likely, he will revert to his aloof behaviour, and you will be stuck in this cycle until YOU break free.

FEEDBACK Regarding shared negatives (March 6):

Reader – “We are living in the ‘information age.’  People are more aware and informed - and living longer. And our health care system is struggling.  We NEED to be more aware.  You can do only what you can do.”

FEEDBACK Regarding awkward encounter (March 19):

Reader – “Anyone using public transit gets used to encountering all kinds. I would wager this woman had a mental health problem.

“Just yesterday while waiting for a bus, a guy was going up to everyone saying, ‘Jesus loves you.’ I was trapped in the bus shelter so could only patiently hear him out. Usually, they are benign enough but one needs to be alert and ready to move if they are more agitated.

“One tip I have: let anyone like that get on the bus first and sit down; then you can be sure to position yourself far away from them, avoiding any further encounters.”