I’ve been good friends with this guy I met in high school for about six years. I would absolutely consider him one of my best friends. He’s always had my back, and I felt like I always had his.

About a month ago, he told me he’s gay. I was so surprised, so unaware, that I initially thought he was joking. As a result, I didn’t respond appropriately. He’s been giving me some space ever since and now I feel very confused.

I don’t know how to go back to where we were, which seems like a minute ago. I’m not sure what he wants and I’m not sure what I want. What do I do?

Coming Out

You’ve lost me a little…… he’s your best friend and you had no idea that he’s gay? OK…. So what? Does who he sleeps with have any impact on your friendship? Or are you wondering if he liked/likes you and how to respond to that? Or are you wondering if you like him as more than a friend, now that you know?

I think you need some clarity, that only you can give yourself. If you have feelings for him, you should tell him. The best relationships are borne from friendships, so it could work between you two. If that’s what you both want. If you don’t have feelings for him, but you’re not sure if he has feelings for you, you need to ask him. If he does, you need to tell him how you feel. Tell him that you still want to be his bestie, but only as a friend.

You two need to talk this through. There are so many ways this can play out, and there’s no reason why you two still can’t be as close as you were before he came out.

I’ve been separated from my husband for over 20 years. We remain friends, even though we’re still also married. Over the last year, he’s started showing signs of dementia. I help him out almost daily with meals and organizing his life, but I feel trapped because I can’t live my life the way I’d like to. If I stop helping him, he has nobody else, which makes me feel guilty. Do you have any advice for what I can do?

Still Attached

For 20 years, neither of you took a step towards divorce, and now, when your friend needs you, you feel put upon. I don’t get that. You say you want to live your life on your own terms, which you are, other than helping this person, who you were once married to, with his meals.

If he has no one else, are you his power of attorney? If so, together you two should meet with a lawyer. If he’s starting to show signs of dementia, the sooner you do this, the better. With the lawyer, discuss his options, your role and how he would like to live out his days.

You’re not his caregiver, unless you choose to be. Figure out what he needs, what he wants, and how much you have to give. Then try to think backwards: in 10 years’ time, will you be happy that you spent that time making sure your ex-husband was fed, or will you feel resentment? Remember also that people who start showing signs of dementia tend to get worse, rather than better. Meaning, he’ll need your help more and more as the years go by.

Put processes in place now because you won’t be able to care for him on your own, especially since you don’t sound as though you want to do that now.

FEEDBACK Regarding New Year normal (Jan. 23):

Reader – “I’m wondering if someone said something derogatory about her husband’s weight or appearance at the New Year’s Eve function they both attended.  Even a jokey comment from another guy - or woman - can trigger a bad reaction in a sensitive man.  He may not have even remembered it until the next morning, since he had a lot to drink the night before.

“I know from experience how my husband could be very upset by a derogatory off-the-cuff remark. Guys take things like that to heart.”

FEEDBACK Regarding grandparenting (Jan. 24):

Reader – “As a grandparent myself, I have had to come to grips with the fact that as the grandchildren grow into schoolchildren, they want — and need — more time with friends. For me, that’s meant fewer visits to Grandma's place; however, that doesn’t mean less love, care or mutual concern, but it does mean less time spent together.”