I am one of three brothers, and our father has just died. Without pointing fingers, I will say that though we are all his sons, we do not all have the same mother. And we are all now (adult) orphans.

We are all married with children, ranging in age with a 15-year gap between oldest and youngest. One of us is extremely financially secure; one of us is living a modest life, happily; and one of us could really use a financial boost to be able to live without undue financial stress.

For reasons unbeknownst to the other two, the one with the different mother is playing a controlling game over our father’s estate. The strange thing is that he THINKS he has this control, when indeed, he does not. The lawyers have been in touch with all of us separately and have explained why there is some discrepancy in our father’s estate and will, and that they are working on sorting out any confusion before we are all brought in.

The other two can’t figure out why this brother has gone rogue. We three have always had a healthy, decent, respectful relationship. Can you shed some light?

Dissonance

I’m surmising from your letter that you are not the brother from the other mother. And that you and your full brother are sympatico with what’s going on. This third brother could be feeling so many things, that it’s nearly impossible to guess why he’s trying to force unnecessary control.

To break it down, you’ve all three lost your connecting parent. Maybe he feels that now that your dad is gone, you two will leave him in the dust; or you’ll try to take his portion of whatever is left to you from the estate. Two against one usually wins.

I’m hoping that this is just grief, meaning, that your brother is deeply saddened, perhaps even scared, by the death of your father, and this is his coping mechanism. I’m not condoning his behaviour, but perhaps this is how he feels he can control his environment, while feeling out of control over the death of his (your) dad.

Though I am sure you are grieving as well, if possible, cut him some slack and don’t take his overtures, comments or behaviour to heart. Let them pass over you. Don’t take the bait, so to speak. Talk to the lawyers and get a handle on how things have been meted out. Make sure it’s “fair” (enough). Don’t give him any more reason to pull away or be nasty. Try to console him and include him though you probably don’t want to. I think he needs you both.

My sister just had her second baby, and she is thrilled and glowing in her babymoon phase. Her older child is a calm and easy toddler and (for now) happy to have a sibling. She and I are very close and I’m happy to help any way I can. Her husband is being attentive and loving, which is great.

But here’s the catch: I’m almost positive he’s having an affair. I’ve “caught” him talking lovingly on the phone to someone twice. He says it’s his mom, but there’s no way.

What do I do?

Sibling Safety

Due to timing of the new baby, I would take him aside and ask him about it. Give him the chance to come clean. He needs to tell his wife and end the affair or end the marriage. He can’t continue with both. But you need to be more than “almost positive.” The consequences of blowing up this marriage are major.

And there needs to be a timeline. A week, two weeks, at most a month and that’s only because your sister needs time to heal and regain her strength. I’m thinking of her and protecting her. I know you are too.

FEEDBACK Regarding bereft mom (Jan. 12):
Reader – “Something I did, which costs, but provides an all clear or a diagnosis, is to attend a corporate clinic such as Medcan, La Vie or Cleveland Clinic in the GTA. For approximately $3500, an exhaustive physical examination, testing and exploration of your integrated health is done. Sometimes companies will pay for this to be done, as an executive they may have you insured, or fund a wellness program, or you could use a corporate Health Spending Account to help fund it. Or pay yourself, for the peace of mind. It’s an investment in yourself and well worth the cost for answers. Testing is on site. Results are fast. Follow up thorough.

“I understand it would be a privilege to be able to take a step like this, but she may be able to afford it. I believe in our intuition about ourselves too.”