We have a daughter who has been with her boyfriend for many years. She has just turned 20. She is a very respectful daughter, responsible and caring. Her boyfriend is the complete opposite. He is controlling, doesn’t share the same political beliefs, and doesn’t want to be around our son and his girlfriend. Both have a disability and are unable to work. He simply won’t have anything to do with them.

Our daughter plans to marry this man. She tells us not to
judge him, because that’s who he is. How do we move forward as a family? Where is the compassion?

He is also very racist. He believes everyone needs to work, no matter what; that no one should be overweight and everyone should be simply perfect.

Family with Faults

Your daughter’s boyfriend has extremely strong opinions and is himself very judgemental. It’s hypocritical of her to ask you not to judge him when he’s doing all the judging. And I’m surprised that a young woman who you describe as respectful, responsible and caring has been dating a young man with prejudices against her own disabled sibling.

But the key word you used here was controlling. I’m concerned that this person has gained control over your daughter and when in his presence, she is incapable of being her true self. I’m concerned for her safety, and her future. I believe an intervention of some kind would be beneficial before it’s too late.

My brother and I are polar opposites. Where he’s a night owl, I’m a morning person. Where he loves stimulation, I seek out peace and tranquillity. Where he looks to adventure, I search quiet. Where he enjoys being surrounded by people, I enjoy my solitude.

Our parents say they saw the differences within the first year after I was born, less than 16 months younger than him. As children, it was easy for them to stoke both of our personalities by dividing and conquering. Some nights our mom would stay up late with my brother, playing games or watching a movie, while our father read to me quietly and got an early night. Other nights, our father would stay up with my brother while mom relaxed with me. They were happy to switch on and off.

But as we all aged, it was clear which parent matched which child. I was able to get the best of both, but my brother lost closeness with one. He has always blamed me for that. In a tragic turn, the parent he was closer with recently passed away, leaving us all bereft. But he feels that the parent still here has me and vice versa, and that he, my brother, is all alone.

How do I get him to see that simply isn’t true?

No Sides

Your brother is hurting right now, as are you and your remaining parent. But he’s feeling alone and unsupported. Put in a little more effort to reach out to him, to include him, to check in on him. And, if possible, nudge your remaining parent to make more of an effort as well.

Their distance may have been a symptom of their different personality traits, but your brother still needs a parent, and your parent could (and should) be there for him.

Life throws us curve balls all the time. We need to learn how to be flexible, fluid, how to grow and change. If we remain rigid and stuck in our ways, we’ll miss out on so much in life. Sunrise and sunset are both beautiful times of day. Try to see both.

FEEDBACK Regarding the sister who fled to Costa Rica living her aging dad behind (Dec. 4):

Reader – “The writer mentioned her dad has dementia. Dementia is a general term for a decline in mental ability severe enough to interfere with daily life, caused by 100+ progressive neurological diseases, with Alzheimer’s being the most common.

“In your answer, you assumed he had Alzheimer’s. And understanding what is happening to the person’s brain can make a big difference in the practical assistance and care they require.”

Lisi - I didn’t assume anything; the letter writer mentioned her father had Alzheimer’s.

FEEDBACK Regarding drummer boy (Dec. 9):
Reader – “As a former drummer I would suggest that you could guide this budding musician to an electronic drum kit. They generate very little ambient sound, and the player hears real drum sound through earbuds. Also, starter kits are usually less expensive than regular drumkits. It’s a win/win.”