My father-in-law is losing his memory and it’s very sad. He has diabetes and is a large person. My mother-in-law is diminutive and couldn’t physically handle his care, so the two of them now live in an assisted-living facility.

My MIL loves it there because she has help with him – aides who come and help him bathe, dress and get from A to B; she can choose to cook or they can eat in the communal dining area; and when he’s resting, she can feel safe leaving him in their room while she meets friends for cards or Mahjong. It’s especially wonderful in the cold, winter months when every time they leave the house, they were risking a detrimental fall.

My FIL is happy and knows who his wife is, who his children and grandchildren are, but no one else. Even when his friends come to visit, or his cousins who he was always close with, he looks at them, and then at one of us imploringly. We try to jog his memory, but it’s no longer working. And when he really doesn’t know who someone is, he gets sad and starts to cry.

How can we help him?

Family Man

Some say that diminished mental capabilities are much harder to handle – for the family members – than physical ones. I can see how that’s true.

Depending on what your FIL’s diagnosis is, there are therapies and medications to help slow down the memory loss, and again, depending on why he’s losing his memory, there may be ways to remedy the situation, through diet, sleep, exercise and other methods.

In the case of your FIL, perhaps making a visual “Friends and Family Tree” might help him connect the dots. But don’t push him. And yes, it is very sad. Hopefully, the more you see him, the longer he’ll remember you. And while he still remembers, write down everything he says so you can share it with your children. Enjoy the time you have with both of your in-laws.

Why do you put other people’s commentary in your column? I used to read your mother’s advice, and now I want for your advice, not my neighbour’s.

Ask Lisi

Thank you for your continued readership and your commitment to the column. You’re not the first person to ask this question. Both Ellie and I can only respond through the lens that we see through.

For example, we are both cisgender women in heterosexual relationships. Therefore, we cannot respond from another angle with first-hand information. When another reader sends in their feedback from a different perspective, I like to share it with my readers.

I feel strongly that there is more than one way to resolve a problem. I’m here to give my advice, but perhaps there’s another angle that I haven’t thought of. Also, I’ve only had my life’s share of experiences. If someone has experienced something that I haven’t, I’m sure that my readers would love to have that information.

I’m here to help, and if a reader can help me to help you, then why not share?

FEEDBACK Regarding the smoker (Nov. 25):
Reader – “Nobody should get a dog to help them fight an addiction — anymore than anyone should have a child to save their marriage.  A dog or other pet is often just an additional stress that takes time, energy and money.  It might work for “Smoker” — but it might not.

“Better he/she should consider volunteering with the Humane Society — or with any organization that appeals. This would get them out of the house and into a social situation where smoking isn’t allowed.  A minor trick that some former smokers say is helpful is to brush your teeth whenever you have the urge for a cigarette.”

Reader #2 – “I started smoking at 16.  Every adult in our family were heavy smokers, and several died of cancer. I tried to quit smoking several times and always relapsed.

“In my early 30s, when I found myself breaking into the third pack of the day, I decided I had to do something. I decided to bring my cigarettes and lighter with me everywhere.  This reduced the anxiety of not being able to smoke. For seven weeks I fought the desire to have a cigarette.  Then I went a day without carrying my cigarettes and lighter. And another day.

“I didn’t quit smoking; I’ve just never had a cigarette in 55 years.”

Lisi – Everyone does what works for them. “Not” quitting, brushing your teeth, getting a pet – as long as it gets you to quit in a healthy manner, I’m all for it.