My wife has become frugal to the point of cheap. I never realized this about her when we were dating. She lived at home as she was a student. She had nice clothes, enjoyed going out for dinners, drinks and having fun. I could tell she wasn’t a spendthrift, but she never appeared to be overly concerned about money.

We had a lovely low-key wedding, by design, not due to budget, followed by a short honeymoon that didn’t blow the bank. We both have well-paying jobs, and managed to buy a small starter home, while putting money into our RRSPs.

It’s now a decade and two children later, and I’m starting to notice little things that are out of the ordinary in her financial behaviour. For example, she used to get her hair done for special events. She isn’t high-maintenance regarding her appearance, but this was her pleasure. She’s stopped. She’s also stopped getting manicures and pedicures, which again, she did on occasion, not weekly.

I’ve noticed her clothing is getting tatty and she hasn’t shopped for herself in forever. But I’ve also noticed that the kids’ clothing is getting too small on them and she’s not taking them shopping (something she would normally do), or for haircuts.

Finally, I’ve noticed that the food in our house is of lesser quality than before. When I asked her about all the above, her response was that she’s too busy to care about her hair; that the kids are fine (they’re not. They need haircuts and new clothes that fit); and that there’s nothing wrong with the food.

How can I have this talk with her successfully?

Frugal Wife

I’m concerned about what you’re telling me because it sounds as though something is wrong with your wife’s mental health. I don’t think this is about her being frugal or otherwise. That’s just the way it’s manifesting and coming across to you.

Someone who stops taking care of themselves and their loved ones, isn’t just pinching pennies. I strongly suggest you have a quiet sit down with your wife and ask her how she’s feeling, both physically and emotionally. If she shrugs you off, I recommend confiding in a close friend or family member, just to get a second opinion.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think your wife should see her doctor and have some blood work done. Something seems off to me – from your description – and it’s not her accounting.

I work with a woman who is a stickler for details, timing and fine print. She is good at what she does, however, she loses support due to her meticulousness and long-winded, detailed meetings. Many of my other colleagues beg to not be on her team for projects because she turns every meeting into a half-day event and books an abundance of these meetings.

I feel bad for her because she’s kind, gets the job done, and successfully. She’s just painful to work with. How can I help her?

Punctilious Peer

You could go for lunch with her and talk about work. Is she happy? What does she like best? Does she have any issues? Feel her out. If she doesn’t mention anything, then she may be oblivious. If that’s the case, leave her to do the job the way she likes.

If she mentions that no one seems to like to work with her, then you can talk it through with her. But prod her to figure it out.

FEEDBACK Regarding the eggplant lover (Nov. 15):

Reader – “Before she makes her decision, she needs to do some math, i.e., figure out what divorce will cost her monetarily.  She’ll certainly lose half her equity in their house, and half of the family’s savings and other assets (cars, cottage, etc.).  She’ll also be responsible for half of the family’s debts, lawyer’s fees and real estate commission if they sell their house.

“Then, she should consider the emotional toll of a divorce, especially if there are children involved.  She will be looking at highly stressful meetings with lawyers, finding a new residence, dividing up household chattels (including pets), and maybe years of stress from financial problems and bitter children. All without a guarantee of more happiness than she has now. Indeed, her lover might even reconcile with his wife — he’s only separated, not actually divorced.

“These lovers are in their courting stage, on their best behaviour, and probably highly stimulated by the secrecy of their affair.  The question is, when their workaday selves eventually emerge, will that result in a marriage that is an improvement over her current marriage.”