My wife is a dermatologist, looking at people’s medical issues all day every day. She loves her job and is very good at it. She makes great money, and we have a nice life thanks to our combined incomes.
She takes very good care of her skin and is on top of our children and their skin care. She is strict about sun exposure, in all seasons, and is very well-respected in her field.
The problem is if I ever ask her about something on my face or body, she just isn’t interested. I find it peculiar since this is what she does for a living, but she just dismisses me. She’ll feign interest, look at it with her bare eyes (as in, not use her special derm magnifier) and wave her hand that it’s nothing.
I had to make an appointment with her colleague to get something removed. Now she’s angry with me for making her look bad to her peers. I can’t win here! What do I do?
Tainted
There’s a proverbial saying from the mid 16th century that the family of a skilled person are often the last to benefit from their expertise and knowledge. As in, the shoemaker’s children go barefoot. Your wife is burnt out from looking at skin all day and the last thing she wants to do is look at anyone else’s when she gets home.
I’m glad for their sake that she’s on top of your children, but yes, she should be extending that courtesy and care to you as well. She’s not. You two need to talk. Ask her why and explain to her that it hurts your feelings and makes you feel as though she doesn’t care about your health and welfare. If her excuse is that she’s just done at the end of the day, tell her that you appreciate that. Then ask if you can make an appointment to see HER in her office. Offer to bring her lunch. Apologize for making an appointment with her colleague but explain that you felt the need to be seen and she wasn’t making you a priority.
Now discuss how you can support her to help her avoid burnout.
I have two teenage boys who behave as their peers and spend an enormous amount of time staring at a screen. I appreciate that the laptop has replaced a binder, notebook, pen and pencil, and that these kids don’t have a choice but to look at their computers for hours daily.
But that darn little hand-held computer, otherwise known as a phone (probably the LAST thing they use it for) is their demise. They use it as their wake-up alarm and from that minute, it’s in their hands constantly. My husband and I have implemented rules and we are strict, knowing what we’re up against.
I find I’m always the one who first mentions that the boys should get off their phones, and then it’s usually me who badgers them until they finally put them down. Then my husband starts in on how nature is the only remedy to this epidemic.
I’m all for it, except as soon as dinner is over, he’s sitting in his chair ON HIS PHONE!
Disconnect
Your family needs house rules regarding the timing and use of cellphones – for everyone. AND house rules on how much “nature” time is necessary per day and per week. Take the time to really think about this and discuss it with your husband. You both need to be on the same page, and the rules need to apply to you both as well as the boys.
FEEDBACK Regarding eggshells (Sept. 10):
Reader - “She should certainly make every effort to have her daughter visit but I’m not hopeful. That she feels she’s walking on eggshells is never a good sign. It means she’s catering to a problem person. Nor is it a good sign that the daughter has no idea about the challenges in her mother’s life. Time for the mother to share that information with her daughter. It’s part of growing up, after all, to realize you and your issues aren’t the centre of the world.
“A relative’s daughter, living far away on the west coast, gradually became less responsive and then finally ghosted her mother. Her mother saved scrupulously to visit after the birth of each grandchild. Yet the daughter never made any effort to forge a relationship between her three kids and their grandparent. And finally, all contact stopped.
“Long-distance relationships, whether between lovers, friends, or parents and children can be challenging — especially when there isn’t enough money for frequent in-person contact.”