My husband and I have been married for many years. We were both divorced, both with one child, when we got together. I adore my stepson and have been in his life for a long time.

Now that the children are young adults, I like to surprise them with small gifts to make their lives easier. For example, I sent my daughter a gift basket from Costco, with everything necessary to make a delicious Italian supper including olive oil, pasta, sauce, vegetables, bread and spices, a cute apron and a cookbook. When I told my husband and shared that I planned to do something similar for my stepson, he became infuriated, admonishing me for spending money.

I don’t want to leave my son out because that doesn’t feel nice, but I also don’t want to fight with my husband.

What do you suggest?

Battle of the Parents

I’m not sure why your husband wouldn’t want you to give his biological son the same love, attention and gifts that you give your daughter. He sounds very controlling.

If you have your own money, then you can spend it as you please, on whomever you please, and you don’t HAVE to ask or tell him. However, if you go behind his back that could upset him even more. Only you know which will be better in that case.

If, however, all your monies are joined, then you will need to discuss this with him. Show him that last year you spent x amount on your daughter, and it didn’t make a dent to your daily lives or your savings. Therefore, this year you feel comfortable spending that same amount and splitting it between the two children. Or agree to forego one thing that you normally budget for, say a concert, or dinner with your sister, or whatever, and spend slightly more.

If none of the above work, you two may need to speak with a financial adviser and marriage counsellor. Life isn’t always fair, but you’re trying and that counts for something.

One of my roommates has a sister who is extremely unwell. She didn’t tell any of us over the summer because her sister asked her not to say anything. We are six girls who live together in a house at university. We all noticed that our friend looked sad when we got back to school in September. She lives out East, so we didn’t see her all summer.

Separately, a few of us asked if she had a good summer and if everything was OK, but she told us all the same thing – that she was fine. She left for Thanksgiving a few days early, so the rest of the house were able to talk about what we could do to help because it’s clear that something was wrong. Then, while we were all home for the long weekend, someone saw something her sister posted on social about being in hospital.

We’ve collectively decided to say something to our roommate when we get home, but do you think that’s right?

Family Matters

I think you’re very kind girls for caring so much about your roommate. And yes, no point pretending you don’t know when you do. I would imagine that she will appreciate your warmth and caring, knowing she can be open with her feelings and that people care to listen and help.

Depending on the situation, you could all agree to cover her chores, help her with groceries, maybe even cook for her, so she can focus on her school work and her family.

FEEDBACK Regarding the cottage renovation (Aug. 21):
Reader – “The main reason the cottage isn't getting done is scheduling. Most tradesmen work on a two-week schedule. You can't phone up on a Friday and say that you need them on-site Monday. Someone isn't overseeing the project.

“I had my cottage redone including lifting it to put a nine-foot basement underneath. My project manager had someone on the job practically every day until completion. You need a leader to get the trades there on time.”

Reader #2 – “My husband's parents left him their cottage.

Generally, in Canada, inheritance property is not a family asset subject to division.”

Reader #3 – “The first red flag is when the writer says that they ‘allowed’ the husband greater sway… the domineering attitude of a partner who talks about ‘allowing’ a husband to do things and ‘storming in’ to save the day is a bit much.

“A partner with this attitude would be my partner no more.”