My youngest child is a girl, living with three older brothers. They adore her and spoil her, but they are also overprotective and annoying to her. She is 14 and just starting to be interested in boys, wear makeup, have friends over at night and go to parties.
Two of her older brothers drive and they practically fight over who will pick her up at night. But if I give her a curfew of 10:30 p.m., they arrive at 10 p.m. She finds it annoying, as do I, because then she comes home upset and I have to talk to the boys.
She and I are figuring out what is appropriate clothing to wear to school and what isn’t; how much makeup she can wear, and what’s too much for a school day. Her brothers always have something to say, usually leaning toward the fact that she’s dressing too revealing, or overdoing the makeup.
I appreciate their concern, but they’re stifling her. Now she wants to have a party at our house. I’ve given the go ahead for 30 kids. Her brothers are saying that’s too many. I’ve told them that they can help me at the door and make sure none of the kids are drinking in my house (I know that some kids start at that age, but I won’t allow it under my roof).
How do I get these boys, whom I adore for being so caring, to back off their little sister and let her live a little?
Parenting Teens
Your family sounds wonderfully cohesive and caring about each other, so kudos to you for doing something right. Better that her older brothers worry over her than don’t care. Her makeup isn’t their business, however, if they tell her that the reason they don’t want her wearing that much makeup is because they know that teenage boys don’t find it attractive, maybe she’ll listen.
An explanation is always better than an exclamation. Same goes for her clothing choices. Obviously, as the parent, you get veto say over how she leaves the house at this age, but if she understands why, she’ll be less likely to have an extra set of clothing and a makeup kit in her schoolbag.
And involving the boys in her social activity is a great way to make sure she’s protected – both at a party at your home and when she’s out. But they must let her stay out as long as you allow. Cutting her night short is not acceptable.
My husband rarely answers his phone when I call. He rarely answers his phone when any of the children call. Whenever I ask why he didn’t answer, he responds that either he didn’t hear it (because it is usually on silent), or he didn’t have it on him, or he was busy.
How are these legitimate responses when he is on his phone all the time, never letting it out of his sight for an instant?
What is really going on here?
Lame Excuses
There are so many possibilities, it would be hard for me to respond. Perhaps suggesting he not keep his phone on silent would be a start. If he refuses, then explain that it’s upsetting to you when he doesn’t respond. Perhaps point out the discrepancy between what you see when you’re together, that is, him always on his phone, and his inability to answer when you call. Tell him you find it hurtful and disrespectful and leads you to feel that you can’t rely on him.
What do your kids say? Does it bother them that he doesn’t answer their calls? Maybe if he heard from them how it makes them feel, he would listen and adjust.
FEEDBACK Regarding the charcuterie boards (July 21):
Reader – “Not every hobby has to be monetized! This is a recent trend where people don't seem to be allowed to do anything just for the enjoyment of doing so. Let him do what he wants with them, whether it's giving them as gifts, donations, or just being satisfied with his creations.”
Reader #2 – “I am puzzled by the writer's ambition for her son to sell his charcuterie boards at markets. I enjoy wood crafts and suggestions along this line have been made to me too. Thing is, this is a hobby, not a job. I avoid scaling up into production mode because I fear that would destroy the joy I get from creating one-off pieces.
“Perhaps that is where the son is at, but in any case, mom should back off.”
Lisi - I didn’t get a handle on the age of the son, but I agree.