My boyfriend just dumped me, and I’m beyond confused. We’ve been together for eight months and things were going great! We’ve been making summer plans, in pencil so to speak, and planning a vacation together for early this spring. We talked about different locales, what we both want out of this particular location, how we like to spend our days, and I thought we were in sync.

We’ve even made some decisions and were about to pay for the flights and hotel when seemingly out of nowhere he called and said, “I don’t think I’m ready to go on a vacation with you. I think we need to re-evaluate our relationship. I’m going away for three days on business and I’ll call you when I get back.” And that was two weeks ago!

What did I miss?

Dumped

I have no idea! But something definitely changed his mind. Maybe he got spooked by the commitment of having to pay for something in advance. Maybe he’s scared of what a vacation together would lead to. Or maybe he’s just had a change of heart.

If you’re hurt, confused, looking for answers and/or closure, I suggest you reach out to him. If he said he’d be back in three days and two weeks have passed, then he’s probably home. Ask for a meetup. At the very least, you could give him back whatever things he’s left at your place and get back anything you may have left at his.

Be prepared that he may not give you the answers you’re hoping for. Be strong. Eight months is a good run, but this obviously wasn’t the relationship of a lifetime.

I am a retired guidance counsellor and psychotherapist.

I can't resist reading your column. You do a pretty good job trying to give advice. It's not easy.

Why don't people understand that the home we grow up in is also our home? People expect us to move away from our own home. It's like the parents want it back.

Are we all supposed to want to start all over and make a home for ourselves? Not everyone is good at this, or good in relationships.

It takes a lot of ego strength to start over, especially alone.

Retired Reflection

That’s a really good point. In North American culture, it is normal for children to grow up, finish high school, maybe go on to higher education, and then move out. But there are many cultures around the world who believe in multi-generational living.

I felt very attached to the houses I grew up in. Fortunately, I was allowed to keep a room and returned after each adventure. It was only when my parents moved the last time, once I was already in my own home, that I severed any “proprietary” ties to my parent’s home.

On the flip side, a good friend of mine was turfed out of her house the day she graduated from university. Her parents had spent her entire last semester looking for and purchasing a smaller home specifically without space for her. She was devastated! But they were simply done parenting and feeling responsible for a dependant.

It boils down to one’s own history, culture, personal experience and the impact it had on them. I appreciated my parents for always making me feel welcome and secure, so I would probably do the same for my children one day. Someone else might react completely opposite. Someone who was kicked out may feel it was the best thing for them, or they may still harbour resentment and choose to behave differently with their children.

FEEDBACK Regarding they/them pronouns (Dec. 24):

Reader #1 – “Our granddaughter decided she was non-binary and asked us to refer to her as they/them. It took some time (and education), but we happily supported them. In the indigenous culture ‘two-spirit’ refers to individuals who are attracted to both sexes, which has been accepted for centuries. We as a culture have a great deal of work to do in accepting individuals as who they are.

“Recently they decided they now identify as male, so we have all adapted to him/his. I’m incredibly grateful that his parents, friends and family are loving and supportive.”

Reader #2 – “I have a 17-year-old grandchild who was born female and is now non-binary (they/them).

“The essence of the woman’s problem was not the grammatical issue.  It’s all summed up in her referring to ‘something so silly.’

“How dare she? You rightly suggested that it was up to her to make the accommodation, but I think that’s highly unlikely.”