My girlfriend goes to university in another province. We met a year ago, during winter holidays. She was living in residence at the time; I’m a year older, so already lived off campus with some friends. I didn’t meet any of her friends last year because I never got the chance to visit her due to distance and scheduling. She came to see me during her mid-winter break, which was great and really solidified our vacation romance.

This year, she moved into a house with four girlfriends and one guy. He’s the gay best friend of one of the girls from childhood. He relates to them and hasn’t found any friends of his own gender. He’s apparently a super nice guy and met all the parents so they could be reassured their daughters were in a safe environment. That’s what my girlfriend told me.

I wasn’t concerned at all but realize now that I had a preconceived image of the person in question. That became an issue when I met him last semester. He’s a big, muscular guy with a deep voice and a goatee. I don’t know why, but it took me surprise and now I’m uncomfortable. I’m always asking questions about him and my girlfriend is getting annoyed. But I can’t shake the feeling that something is off.

What do I do?

Awkward roommate

You said it yourself – you had a preconceived notion of what this person was going to look and sound like, and he burst that image. This is a YOU problem and you’re going to need to reconcile within yourself.

Go visit your girlfriend and spend some time with her roommates. Get to know this person for who he is, regardless of gender, sexual identity or preference. Be open to learning more about him and why HE chose to live with five women.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the bored spouse (Nov. 11):

“Mr. Bored's wife works full time, juggles two school-aged children heavily involved in extracurriculars, family, siblings, and if we believe the research about women and domestic labour, likely does (almost) all the household chores. Mr. Bored then complains that his wife is not a font of entertaining anecdotes at dinner, one she likely cooked and will clean up after. Mr. Bored also shares that he tries to do ‘fun things’ with his wife, but not once does he mention that he shares the household responsibilities, cooks meals, packs lunches, scrubs floors, or assists with any of the never-ending drudgery of raising a family beyond taking one child to soccer.

“We have no sense of what she enjoys, how much practical support Mr. Bored offers, or whether she has a chance to do anything for/by herself. We do know that if she doesn't perk up Mr. Bored will bail.

“While I completely agree that a visit with her family doctor is a good idea, I'm extremely uncomfortable with the straight line drawn between her demeanour at dinner and a lay-person's diagnosis of depression due to hormonal imbalance. The woman has likely been going non-stop since her feet hit the floor at the crack of dawn. Every day. Perhaps by the time she finally sits down at the dinner table she's overwhelmed, exhausted, and frustrated by her clueless, entitled husband.

“In addition to a medical consult, which I agree is essential, I think suggesting that her husband steps up and shares half of all household chores, not just the fun soccer outings, would have been an appropriate suggestion.”

Lisi – I think you’re making grand assumptions here, and if I’m reading your “tone” clearly, my assumption is that you’re projecting. Mr. Bored, as you call him, states clearly that “we have a busy life.” There are no facts stating that she has any reason to be more – or less - tired than he.

Whenever I go out with my friends, and we go to a bar, or even just a friend’s house and start drinking, I often end up having a panic attack.

What should I do?

Panicked

This seems clear to me – stop drinking. That’s the first step. Now go see your doctor. Hopefully they can refer you to someone you can talk to, to delve deeper into what triggers you into the panic, which is then magnified by alcohol.

I used to get panic attacks in airports. I learned my triggers (caffeine, heat, exhaustion) and now try to mitigate those to the best of my ability. Knowing and using the right tools is extremely helpful. My other choice was to never fly again.

Yours is to never go out with friends and/or drink. I know what I would do.