My sister has decided to have a baby by herself. She was with a man for years whom she adored. We all thought they’d get married and start a family. To our surprise, after six years together, he dumped my sister and is now in a same-sex relationship.

My sister was shocked – we all were – and it took a long time to regain her self-esteem. She took it personally, as though his sexual identity was directly related to her femininity. She got professional help and has re-emerged.

But her clock is ticking (her words) and she doesn’t want to wait for a partner. She wants to have a baby now. She did her research and has decided that her ex would be the best donor.

I’m concerned that she’s hiding her deep love for this man, and hoping that once they have a baby, he’ll return. Do you think I’m reading too much into this? I just don’t want her to get hurt.

Suspicious Sister

Your concern doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch, after reading your much longer letter. Though your sister has done the work to overcome her feelings of unworthiness, and unsubstantiated guilt, there could still be a strong pull towards her ex. It could still be feelings of love; it could also be a “gotcha” if that’s what she’s feeling.

Since you are so close, sit down with her, as her “person,” and ask her all the questions one needs to think about before having a child. Can she afford a child on her own? Does she have a financial plan in place for the next 18 years minimum? Has she thought about her own needs, including being in a relationship, and how that will be affected by solo parenting?

Also pose questions about the sperm donor, whether her ex or someone else, known or otherwise. By discussing the specifics out loud, she should get some clarity.

Whatever path she chooses, as her sister, share with her your level of commitment, whether that includes financial help, physical help, or simply emotional support.

She’ll need you and will appreciate whatever help you can give.

My long-time close friend doesn’t share important information with me. She’s well-read, very bright and up on all the latest trends. Whether it’s make-up, fashion, politics, or health, she knows what’s on everyone’s talking points. I’m always impressed with her fountain of knowledge.

Usually, I just listen, but don’t care much as I’m not into make-up, fashion, or the hottest designers. But I’m very health-conscious, especially since COVID-19, and try to keep on top of all the information regarding vitamins, vaccines, supplements and nutrition. She knows this about me, but for some reason, she doesn’t share this type of information with me.

Last week, I met her for coffee, and she was talking to a stranger about some new antioxidant supplement she was taking and how she sees the benefits, etc. When I joined the conversation, she stopped talking and said, “Give me your information; I’ll text you more about it later.”

The stranger left and I asked what they were talking about. She replied, “Oh just stuff you’re not interested in.”

What’s going on here?

Left Out

If I’m reading between the lines, it sounds as though your friend is punishing you. She’s purposefully not sharing information you’re interested in, but makes sure you know she has information worth sharing.

Then she bombards you with information you’re clearly not interested in.

Somewhere along the way, you offended her and she’s acting out. You two need to clear the air. Start by praising her for all the things she knows, and then tell her that you would love for her to share the things you’re interested in because you trust her. See what happens.

FEEDBACK Regarding the neighbour who feels ignored by their neighbour (Oct. 31):

Reader #1 – “Poor guy could maybe feel like he has a stalker and want to move out. Maybe he’s in a witness protection program?

“Most people respect personal space and being rebuffed is a sign that you are not wanted to intrude on his inner thoughts. People deal with stuff…. these days who knows, and it is not your business. Bake cookies for your own family and friends. A gift of unknown ingredients is not a favour to anyone.”

Reader #2 – “There are so many reasons why this man doesn’t speak to his neighbour, it’s impossible to guess. She should just be polite and kind, and mind her own business.

“She shouldn’t make large gestures, but every neighbour appreciates their bins being brought in after garbage day.”