My son is getting married and I’m doing everything I can to look my best. I’ve been seeing a nutritionist and a personal trainer and I’ve lost weight and inches. All my friends have noticed and I like the way I look and feel.
My husband hasn’t said a word, or even noticed. I’m hurt by his lack of attention and obliviousness. No, I didn’t change my appearance for his approval, but it would be nice if he commented.
How do I get his attention?
Invisible Wife
Put on something that you feel you look great in and ask him what he thinks. Ask him to really look at you. If he doesn’t notice or say anything, then ask him if everything is OK. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here…. maybe he’s preoccupied with something going on in his life that he hasn’t shared.
Talk to your husband. If he still doesn’t comment, just say something like, “Hey, honey, I’ve lost a few inches. What do you think?” Yes, we all like to feel attractive to our special someone, but what matters most is how we feel about ourselves.
My husband was born in West Africa; his skin is as dark as it gets, even in the depths of a Canadian winter. I am Haitian-born and very light-skinned, with light eyes. Somehow our two children came out even lighter than me, with blondish-reddish hair and light eyes. They do not look like they came from a union of our genes, it’s true.
But we are a family, and when we go out as a family, we are always so surprised how vocal and brazen complete strangers can be. They’ll walk right up to my child and say, “You’re so cute,” then turn to me and ask where we adopted them from. It’s so rude! And every time, I am so shocked that I just blubber some incoherent reply.
Once, when visiting Niagara Falls, we were stopped by police because someone reported a “suspicious looking couple with two children clearly not their own.” The kids are still young and we are doing our best to shelter them from this crazy world of misconceptions and worst-case scenario thinking.
But what happens when they grow up, even just that little bit more, and understand the questions and side-eye glances? How do I explain this all to them?
Genetic Smorgasbord
I’m not a professional child psychologist, so I spoke with someone who is. Her take is to just be as honest, age-appropriate, as possible. It’s all genetics and uncontrollable. My mom has brown eyes, my dad’s eyes were blue and mine are green. Go figure.
Celebrate your children’s beauty, the variations in your family, and your own beauty. Don’t ever let them feel less than.
Different isn’t bad, or ugly. It’s just different. Teach them that.
FEEDBACK Regarding the grandparents pushing for an early Christmas (Sept. 27):
Reader – “I was quite surprised with your answer, stating that the daughters-in-law are being mean spirited and selfish. I wholeheartedly disagree, having had a mother-in-law who missed every Christmas while our children were growing up as she wanted to be down south.
“The grandparents want their cake and eat it too. They have serious FOMO. They choose to leave the family at Christmas time. They are the ones being selfish expecting the family to accommodate them. They are free to travel whenever they want. They could travel back, avoiding the Christmas travel rush. They choose not to.
“If their health only enables them to fly once, then they should delay and fly out after Christmas, if Christmas means so much to them. Expecting the parents not to be ‘in the moment,’ to pause so they can record the celebration for their absentee grandparents is ridiculous.
“Now you’ve given them more incentive to push this issue which could further alienate their daughters-in-law.”
Lisi – Interesting how so many people are triggered by my response to these grandparents. In my opinion, holidays are about family (and food). Yes, they are mired in tradition – some we love and some we don’t. And so often I get questions from young couples wondering how to mix their families traditions to please both sides, especially when different cultures and religions partner up.
My go-to response is to always do what works best for you and your family without offending or upsetting anyone. My own extended family is cross-cultural, multi-racial and religiously diverse. We respect everyone’s individual beliefs, customs and traditions, combine them all and make the most fun. Holidays are for celebrating, not for fighting.