I've been on my own, divorced, for 15 years - my ex had an affair and left for her. My son, 18, sees his dad regularly, everything's fine there. My problem is dating. I've tried it all - originally there were phone sites, then online dating sites, meeting through friends, and joining activities.

Most of my friends are single women. The only set-up I had was successful... until I realized he drank far too much. I work at a large institution but have had no success through this avenue either.

I'm told I'm attractive, am fit, intelligent, have a loving, caring nature, am employed and independent, and am not desperate for a relationship. I'm just not finding anyone who truly wants a committed, monogamous relationship with ME. Most of the men I've dated have betrayed my trust or simply disappeared.

One moment things are going very well (or so I think), the next moment, they're gone - with no communication, no returned calls, no emails, nothing. Men I've met via on-line dating either continue to maintain an active profile, or claim they're not interested in a serious relationship, even though that is what their profile states they do want.

Also, most men come on like a ton of bricks, and then when I start reciprocating their manner, they disappear.

I'm Discouraged

You have company on two fronts, and that's a good thing: 1) Many people experience the same long and frustrating search for a partner, so it should be comforting to know this isn't about something wrong with you. 2) You have friends, colleagues, family, plus interests, so you're not isolated.

In the sea of dating possibilities, there's likely only one healthy attraction and deep connection likely to develop into a lasting relationship for you. That's what makes it so special, but also hard to find and still worth hoping for.

But meanwhile, take a "shift" from your longtime comfort zone. Travel where you haven't gone before, pursue an offbeat interest.

Be confident enough to insist on getting to know men as friends first, and to consider those you hadn't considered before (shorter/taller, younger/older, other background, etc.).

And change your old relationship pattern. Reject a hurried come-on. Stay cool until you truly believe there's mutual trust. Consider dating as current companionship and entertainment, until it's clear there's more to it for the future.

I need your help in dealing with my in-law matters. They've been playing pranks with me since the day I moved into this family.

Desperate

It's your spouse who needs to step up and speak to (his/her) parents on behalf of both of you as a couple. Most parents, even the difficult ones, don't want to break up their child's marriage, but some try to control it. I'm assuming these "pranks" are NOT funny, but hurtful and demeaning.

This divisiveness happens more often and more easily if two generations are living in the same house.

Your partner knows, though likely doesn't want to admit, whether his parents are being controlling, or purposefully destructive. Your partner needs to recognize how harmful it is to your relationship. If nothing is said to your in-laws, the strain will inevitably pull you two apart.

Say so. Ask for support, and to re-think the emotional cost of staying in the same house, if that's the case. It can be far worse - plus the cost of divorce - than renting elsewhere until you can afford your own home.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wanted to help someone whose daughter had committed suicide (August 29):

Reader - "My son, 20, killed himself 16 months ago. There are distress centres (and other agencies) providing suicide survivor support programs.

"Dealing with the uncertainties, guilt, and obsessions that come with a suicide loss are almost overwhelming and have to be the first step in any kind of healing. You have to find people who speak your language - i.e. other suicide survivors.

"Losing a child... unless you've been there, you can't possibly get it, nor can this woman. We speak our own language, we bereaved parents.

"I joined a bereaved parent's group for eight sessions, found an amazing psychologist who helps bereaved parents and am joining the specific suicide support group that my local Toronto Distress Centre offers. There are also services for those who've lost someone to homicide. All free, except the psychologist."