Dear Readers - Here's Part Two of the leftover questions from my Live Online Chat about In-Law problems (Aug. 17):

I hate my in-laws - they're clannish and judgmental and never really accepted me. I'm from a different background and they act like I'm from Mars! They practically ignore me at family events. If I bring special food from my culture, it goes untouched. I told my husband to go alone from now on!

You're dividing you and him, rather than seeking a solution you can both handle. He needs to make a visible effort to include you - bringing you into conversations, standing with his arm around you, eating your food offerings. If they ignore his clear message, he must speak to them firmly and say they either welcome you, or you BOTH stay away.

My fiancé's father always manages/controls our visits back home. He fills our timetable with his events - dinner with his family, his friends, golf dates with his colleagues (to show off his successful son). He leaves no time for our old friends, and little for my family. I'm thinking this family is too overbearing for me to marry into.

Set your own schedule way in advance and inform his father what free time's left for him to organize. If your fiancé willingly works on this plan with you, he's a true partner.

My boyfriend's mother is a close talker who always touches me. When making a point, she'll poke me in the arm. I'm a private person and hate it. I told my boyfriend to say something, but he says she'll be too hurt.

Handle this on your own, first. Move back when she talks; say politely that you need some space, for comfort. When she pokes, say, "OUCH, that hurt." If she repeats, say, "Please, I get the point without the poke." She won't love your reaction, but unless she's purposefully trying to annoy you, she'll back off.

My fiancé's parents are phonies. They think because they have money they're better than others (including me). They name-drop, discuss money, and keep hinting that I need to "upgrade." His mother wants to take me shopping, and his father's suggesting we buy our first house in a snobby neighbourhood.

If your fiancé ignores their snobbery and doesn't go along with their suggestions, that's a positive sign. But if his parents get more intrusive, he needs to speak up and say that the two of you have your own tastes, and will set your own style. Of course, in order to maintain your independence, you cannot expect or take support money from them.

My fiancée's parents want us to get married the way they did 40 years ago. Not one detail of that style appeals to me, but she has a large family, and they're all already planning for that kind of event (big hall, 300 people, everything from their ethnic culture, nothing from mine). How do I refuse all this without making them resent me forever?

You and she have to decide together what YOU want... because of different cultures, you'll likely each have to compromise a bit. Then, present the plan to her parents and yours. If THEY are paying for the wedding, you can expect they'll want more say. It shouldn't be that hard to give each side something they want, to honour both family backgrounds. But if you're paying, set your bottom line.

I come from a family of three brothers and two sisters, and we all have spouses and in-laws. Yet none of us has the heavy lingering problems that I see in this chat. Sure, we all have some issues from time to time, but nothing we can't handle with some common sense, or discussion, or compromises. I don't get what these people seem to expect when they marry.... that everything will be smooth, or that everyone is fair in how they deal with people?

You've touched on the common failing in in-law relationships, that people (both the parents and the younger couple) expect - that loyalties and feelings will automatically be the same as exists in their natural families. This is unrealistic, since even people from similar backgrounds have differences in how they were raised. Everyone involved has to recognize that there are sensitivities and apprehensions about the new relationships, on all sides.