I'm 39, married 17 years with two teenage daughters, and have a good job. My husband and I emigrated here; as did his sister and her husband, but his parents live with us. I do everything for them - all the household cooking, laundry, cleaning (my daughters help) - though they're in good health, and pay us nothing. Also, I drive them everywhere.

When I refused to allow my husband's nephew to come here and live with us, too, and to share the expense with him, my husband didn't speak to me for weeks. He's a control freak.

When I first came here, I was pregnant. I found love letters in my husband's jacket, which he said were from a girl "chasing him." I later found a motel bill; he claimed somebody framed him. I didn't have any family or close friends here, I then had a child, and I wasn't strong financially, so I dropped it.

Now he's treating me like garbage again. A friend suggested counselling. I've discovered he had that affair for four years. This time I made a big issue of it, his whole family knows he cheated and disapproves. I sent his parents to his sister's house for good, separated my bank account, and am seeing a lawyer who thinks that if he's willing to sign a marriage contract, he won't go back to her. But my friends and my doctor disagree. What's your advice?

In Turmoil

Don't accept promises unless you see evidence of real change. That means separating for a while. Do NOT do so without a legal agreement about support for the kids and fair sharing of your joint assets.

You're a strong woman who can take care of yourself now and you need to show that strength and independence to him, as well as to your children.

Over the next six months, as you both adjust to the changes - I strongly recommend ongoing counseling for both, separately and together - you'll see whether he accepts what went wrong, and is willing and capable of having an equal, respectful relationship.

I'm 20, my brother's 15, and my sister's 24. My dad's been cheating on my mom; she knows and tries to tell him that it's wrong, but he just throws temper tantrums.

He recently admitted to me that he's been seeing another woman and sees nothing wrong with it due to how he describes his 26 years with my mom as "hell," with him as a victim (absolutely preposterous).

Mom's been loyal to us and done nothing wrong, we all know he's put her though hell. Yet, every day, she prays for him to change.

He said he's going to rent a room outside the home temporarily. Is it normal for families to go through these situations and come out okay? Or should I just accept that divorce is imminent?

Upset

See above. There are stories of family turmoil behind many doors, but there are also cases where couples re-discover their will to lead a decent family life together.

It's not your responsibility to make this happen, so don't put that pressure on yourself or your siblings. Help your mom through the tensions, and tell your father that you don't approve of his cheating and don't want to be his confidante about it.

If he does leave, urge your mom to get legal advice to make sure she, and your family, are cared for financially, in the legal manner to which she's entitled.

FEEDBACK Another opinion regarding the bride who feared that her alcoholic father and uncle would arrive drunk to her alcohol-free wedding (May 18):

Reader - "Using a couple of "younger" relatives to police these idiots will have a 50/50 chance of a physical confrontation at the dinner/reception or outside, if they can get them outside. A great embarrassment to the bride and groom on their memorable day.

"Rather, they should hire outside security, either off-duty police officers or private security. Three or four 250-275 pound "linebackers" should do.

"Security should speak to the father and uncle at the ceremony and make it clear that any booze on their breath or unacceptable behavior will result in their immediate and forceful removal and arrest, if warranted."

A security team of "line-backers" could well be more of "an embarrassment" to the bride than discreet relatives with the same warnings.