I'm 43, happy to have a new partner in my life after being a widower for two years. My partner's studying to be a doctor and applied to a medical school for 17 months in the Caribbean. I'll move there with him, even though it means giving up my 21-year job at a bank.

However, I fear my mother will be very upset. She tries to protect me because I'm hard of hearing, but hold a secure job.

She's accepted us as a gay couple, but she's not thrilled that we're planning to get married before we move. What's the best way to tell my mother our good news?

Fresh Start

The positive spin has to start with YOU. At 43, you're able to choose a partner, marry or not, change locale, get another job, all without your mom's approval being the main concern.

But, if you show worry about her reaction, you'll open a door to negative comments and even obstacles.

Speak to her of your happiness and security in the relationship, and of your ability, with such long experience, to get another job in the Caribbean in a bank or other financial institution.

Then give her an honoured role to play in the wedding ceremony, and invite her to visit you in the sunny island, during the depths of a northern winter.

I recently discovered that my common-law husband of 30 years has been communicating through email and phone calls with a girl, mid-20's, whom he met three years ago on an overseas trip. We were initially married for 11 years, divorced but he never moved out. No one knows we're divorced, not even our post-university-aged children.

We have a business together but since he started traveling overseas, he works little, and I've carried most of the expenses. Things have become tough. We have no savings and are co-signers on a large debt.

When he does work, he's the major breadwinner and things would be manageable.

She complained to him about her financial situation and he sent her money. OUR situation is dire yet he doesn't care. He's previously cheated on me twice. This time I know it's happening and I don't want to be played for a fool. If I knew he was serious about her, I'd leave, but my finances prevent this.

He emails her daily, tells her he loves her and has asked her to marry him several times. He doesn't know that I know. I've learned she's a "hostess" in a karaoke bar frequented by foreign tourists (mainly men) in her country.

I still love him, and I don't know how I'd manage on my own.

Wavering and Worried

Get to a lawyer, fast. In some jurisdictions, but not all, your common-law status entitles you to as much as being a wife. You need to learn what your assets and debts will be if you leave. And you need to separate whatever monies you can, now, even if you two stay together, as his history proves him untrustworthy.

You also need to learn his legal and financial status, for if and when you're prepared to leave.

You'll alert him of it as a wake-up warning: If he wants to marry this woman and live off her karaoke earnings overseas, you'll be moving on now to make a life for yourself.

You do sound perfectly capable of doing so, especially once you drop your "secrets" and face the realities you're risking.

My mother-in-law of five years makes racist remarks about my culture. She resents my speaking my mother tongue (on the phone with my parents) in her presence, though I otherwise speak English. She worries our children will be like me, not "them."

She tries to get my husband to leave me. We've talked to his parents, but things get worse. My husband no longer wants to see his family. I don't want this.

Stumped

Your husband should visit alone and say he stands by his own family of you and the children, just as they undoubtedly once taught him about their family. If they don't accept you, he'll stop their contact with the children, who also don't like disloyalty to you.

The choice is theirs. Your only chance to help is to follow up with a personal visit, asking them to focus on what you all have in common and forget the differences.