My in-laws talk about my hubby and me behind our backs, rarely voice criticisms to our face, and then don't listen to our responses.

They decided long ago that he (only son, with two "perfect" sisters) is a bad apple who does stupid things (including marrying outside of his culture to me).

He's a great father to our child and a great husband of seven years to me. Recently I miscarried and my in-laws blamed me for being too active and said that if I spoke their language, they'd have been able to explain that I shouldn't walk up and down stairs too much while pregnant!

It was rubbing salt into our wound, not to mention completely ignorant. They're badmouthing me to the whole family, saying that marrying me was one of my hubby's many mistakes.

I hear all this from his sisters, who, while not as ignorant, aren't disagreeing with the parents, either. We're barely on speaking terms with his parents and thinking we're damned if we do or don't. This is why he never was close with them, he says. Now, the way they handled our miscarriage has crossed the line.

Hurt and Concerned

Yes, your in-laws were very hurtful regarding your miscarriage. And yes, they're ignorant. That's not an excuse, but it does offer some explanation.

Whatever their culture, they're not educated, open-minded or even secure enough to accept anything "different" from their old superstitions and narrow beliefs.

That seems to include their son's different nature from that of his sisters, your being from another culture, and anything that goes wrong. Of course, it's hard for you, having experienced the loss, to see that it's possible that they too feel sad about the miscarriage and can only understand it through blaming something/someone. In this case, so unfairly, it's you they fault.

Since your husband was never close to them, distancing yourselves is an easy choice for him. But for the sake of your child at least knowing these grandparents, you could decide to limit your exposure without cutting ties. You can do this IF, knowing their limitations, you don't take their criticisms personally.

Also, tell the sisters firmly that you don't need to hear any more negative tales (what's that all about?). Then, set boundaries on how often and when you'll see his family, and end visits when the negative vibes start flowing.

Dear Readers - Mea Culpa! Some of you picked up on my absolute error in an answer I gave to a June 26 question, as to who's ultimately responsible for protecting children from a peanut allergy: the parent of the affected child, or the host of a children's birthday party?

I know perfectly well, from personal experience as well as professionally, that fathers, grandparents and caregivers are often (and should be) as involved in their children's protection as mothers. Yet, instead of writing my intended answer that would cover all this, I wrote, "the mother's most responsible." Oops!

(However, I also noted and maintain, that it's easy for the party-planners to include a question about food or other serious allergies in their invitation.)

I can only assume I was remembering years back, in my own family, when one stay-at-home mother accompanied her child to every party even when she was old enough to attend alone, because so few people even believed there was a true allergy to popular peanut butter sandwiches.

To those who caught me in my error, thanks for alerting me, and helping me correct the response for everyone else!

My job at this fast-food restaurant totally sucks. I can't take it anymore because it relates to issues I face elsewhere. People at work constantly take advantage of me, making me do work I'm not supposed to do. When I refuse, they make my job harder, like making a mess for me to clean.

I'm always being taken advantage of because I can't say no. How do I stop this, without appearing mean?

Teenage Victim

Separate the workplace problems from others so you can assess what's going on without confusing them. Entry-level jobs most accessible to teenagers, often involve chores that aren't in the job description - you're the low person on the ladder, and considered as a "helper," not an equal.

However, if the treatment is truly abusive, and/or purposefully humiliating, you should start saying NO. If it persists, take a record of incidents to more senior management, or try another workplace.