Recently, my live-in partner of two years and I have been having some challenges.
After a big argument, we discussed a break up, but she said that she didn’t want to end things.
When I asked if she was still in love with me, she said "no." She asked me the same, and my answer was "yes."
I suggested that, from her answer, we should no longer be together.
However, she insisted she's been in love with me before and that we can get back there again.
She says that she loves me a lot but that, for her, the idea of "in love" can change… even within the span of a single day.
To me, being in love is what defines the difference between a romantic vs. a platonic relationship.
Sometimes she can say and do things that make me crazy, but I always thought that because I was in love with her, I’d look to move beyond it.
Or, I’d continue to try to better myself and put more work into our relationship.
I make her a priority for me, yet most of our issues stem from situations where I feel like I’m not her priority.
I also feel that she’s sticking around for ulterior motives (my greater salary which permits a better lifestyle than she could afford on her own.).
Am I being used, or can she really fall in and out of love daily?
In and Out of Love
She’s using the language for double-talk, which leaves the situation unclear.
The question – is she still “in love” with you - doesn’t refer to the span of an hour.
Naturally, romantic feelings cool during an argument… but your query meant, is she In or Out of the relationship.
The fact that you wonder if she’s hanging in for “lifestyle” benefits shows that you’ve had these doubts before. Arguing over “in love” is just a smokescreen.
Regarding the “challenges” to the relationship, either you can surmount/resolve them, or you can’t.
Being “in love” isn’t something she can dangle and pull away at will. That’s manipulation, not a strategy for improving things.
Say so. If these fights persist, take a break.
I’m 13, with bipolar disorder. And my BFF started hanging out with this girl who’d either be super nice or, when with my BFF, she’d ignore me.
She even pulled my BFF away from me at lunch.
I told my other friend about it. So on our field trip, she asked my best friend to be partners.
When we were walking back, the “drama” girl said loudly near me, "The essence of life is to get revenge on people you hate."
She also said it to my other friend.
The whole thing got worse.
I didn't do anything, but I was pulled into it. I haven’t told my parents, they wouldn't understand, and my Bipolar disorder was bothering me a lot more, over this.
I’m under pressure from the drama.
Look after yourself, first. Your doctor and parents are your best advisors.
They’ll understand that some teenage incidents can be hard for you to handle.
So DO tell your parents about this event and others like it.
Ask for their help to calm you down, or deal with your low mood as needed… checking with your doctor to know the best therapy at these times.
Teenage friendships sometimes create rivalries. You’re wise to have a couple of solid friends, and not be surprised when others muscle in for awhile.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman seeking a safe plan to leave her abusive husband (April 5):
Reader – “If she can get to a public library, she can look up these resources for free, without her husband ever knowing what she looked for.
“There’ll be no need for her to do the search at home, and no way for him to check into it.
“As a librarian for the past 30 years, I can tell you that libraries are used as this type of resource every day.
“We also have many print and eResources that would help a woman in this position.”
Ellie - One of the many complex reasons people stay in situations that are dangerous to them, is that they fear there’s no help out there from strangers.
But public library resources can connect people to shelters, hotlines for handling a crisis, and agencies that help find accommodation and jobs, etc.
Tip of the day:
Don’t let double-talk about love confuse you. A partner is either In or Out of the relationship.