My boyfriend’s mom has been in declining health for two years, but it’s difficult for him to share what he’s going through. He pays for most of her medical bills, and often flies across the country to see her. 

He internalizes it all in a way that excludes everyone (including his friends). He only goes to work (two jobs) and goes home. And because he doesn’t let anyone in, it confirms his belief that he can only rely on himself during this time. It’s driving a wedge between us.

How can we help? Is he depressed?

- Concerned

Almost anyone going through the disheartening experience of watching a parent deteriorate, gets depressed; it’s when you and his friends should be the most understanding and supportive, without complaining about feeling distanced. 

Consider this: What have you offered him by way of help? If it’s inappropriate for you to accompany him on his trips, then being patient at home and tending to chores he can’t do, shows support.

If the medical costs are stressing him, an offer of a loan to tide him over would demonstrate great partnership.

This sad period of heavy responsibility and anticipated loss can harm a relationship, if either partner expects too much, or withdraws too far. If he’s the man you want to be with long-term, accept his way of handling things, for now.

In time – well after this episode comes to its natural end - you may be able to convince him to learn to dilute stress by sharing more with loved ones.

My son’s been married to his wife for five years; they dated for 10 years and now have a baby girl. How is it possible that after all this time his wife still treats me like a stranger? 

She doesn’t call me “mom” (not necessary) nor by my first or married name.

She never calls to say “hi”... I’m the one making an effort to keep in touch. I invite them for dinner, or a visit, I call to see how the baby’s doing, to plan things, offer babysitting, etc.

She never calls to say “thank you” for whatever I might have done, or sent. And I’m no busybody! We communicate through my son.

I’m hurt at her lack of courtesy and respect. I’ve gone that extra mile to make her feel welcome, appreciated and loved. I’ve given her the benefit of the doubt and defended her in many others’ eyes.

Is her behaviour acceptable for mother-in-laws? I can’t take anymore of this total indifference!

- Distressed Mom

The alternative to “not taking” your daughter-in-law’s aloofness, is seeing less of your son and granddaughter - not a winning choice. 

You may never know the source of your D-I-L’s cool behaviour – it can range from her basic personality type, to a sense of competition from you (even if you’re not competing), to a closeness to her own mother that causes conflicting loyalty, etc.

Even talking to your son might not help (though it’s worth a gentle try) since he, too, may not know the cause. OR, they may both be happy with arm’s-length contact. You’d benefit from the insights of books on this commonly complicated relationship. How common? According to a University of Cambridge study, some 60% of mothers-in-law describe their relationship with their daughters in-law as “tense” and “uneasy.”

I recommend, Mothers-In-Law And Daughters-In-Law: Love, Hate, Rivalry, and Reconciliation, by New York-based relationship writer, Susan Shapiro Barash.

I’m 30, male, focused, and ended an 18-month relationship. 

My girlfriend had vanished for two days, lied about her whereabouts, then confessed she’s been an intermittent drug abuser for 10 years. I told her to leave the apartment and seek help, and I’d be there as a friend.

Was I wrong? She’d vanished before but never for days at a time.

- Questioning

You’ve done what felt right to you at the time, which showed that you’re unwilling to put up with “disappearances,” lies, nor with her continued drug abuse. You correctly advised her to get help. 

As a “friend,” you could follow up by helping her find a program to end her addiction, and making sure she’s in safe accommodation. But, if you’re unwilling to be more involved than that, in her efforts to get clean, do NOT give her false messages of hope about your relationship ever resuming again.