We've been married for three years, together for seven. I'm 34; he's 41.
I've recently lost interest in sex with him, and while I’ve grown frigid, he’s become increasingly distant.
He’s always been very private. He omits rather than lies.
If I ask a direct question, he either refuses to answer or pretends to not hear it.
I usually say whatever I think and feel.
His family life was quite different from mine. He doesn’t have strong emotional attachments to his family (divorced parents).
His mother’s been known to be toxic. His relationship with his father is very strained.
He doesn’t have close friends. I’m the only person who knows him well. His own family knows very little about him, as they can be quite self-centered and he’s so private.
I don't feel the same emotional connection to him and would be happy to remain in a sexless marriage.
I enjoy spending time with him, vacationing, and sharing common interests. I have no interest in leaving him, but if he wanted to leave, I’d understand.
Confused and Indifferent.
Look beyond your differences (which you must’ve seen much earlier in seven years together) and consider why you married this man not so long ago.
Then, remembering also the things that you do enjoy together, get pro-active about what’s recently affected your changed feelings.
Given your disinterest in sex, your low-sounding mood and indifference may come from a medical cause, or a gynecological one such as early-diminished estrogen, for which there are treatments and/or natural therapies.
It could be a huge mistake if health issues are involved, to just push your partner away with “frigidity” without probing why it’s happened.
Then, talk out some of your differences with professional guidance, in couples’ counselling.
You need to find out how much these different personalities and backgrounds really matter to your companionship and connection, once you deal with any other contributing factors.
I’m an alcoholic. Three years ago, I quit drinking. Thanks to the ongoing support of my friends at Alcoholics’ Anonymous, my life has improved and changed in ways I didn't think possible.
But, I miss my old friends. I have a group of girlfriends whom I've known for years. We have annual weekends away and other events during the year.
During my recovery, I haven’t been able to attend all the events because of the drinking.
I feel my friends are uncomfortable around me now. No one asks me how my recovery’s going. They seldom call or email me. Should I back away or how do I tell them I miss them?
Lost Drinking Friends
You know too well how important it is for your recovery to avoid the old situations in which alcohol was a major presence.
Your friends know about your recovery, but haven’t had your courage to face their own dependence on alcohol at the group events.
Since it appears that none have come forward individually to get together with you over coffee or an alcohol-free visit, it’s clear that they would still be a negative influence socially.
You’ve already taken the tough road to sobriety and been successful for three years. Don’t risk the contact.
Lean on the reliable support of your AA pals, and any other family and friends who’ve acknowledged and supported your recovery.
One or two of the old friends may one day come around on their own path to recovery. As you know, that has to come of their own choice, in their own time.
Meanwhile, protect yourself.
My friend is afraid to tell people that he likes others of the same gender.
I don’t know what to do because every time I try to help him overcome his fear of people judging him, he just pushes me away, and I don’t want him to do that.
I want him to be open about his sexuality, and tell others, so he can actually get to know someone without pretending that he doesn’t like them and also pretending that he’s not homosexual.
“Caring” is important as a friend, but interfering in this person’s coming out is not your role.
He already knows that you’re aware and comfortable with the fact that he’s gay. But he’s the one who has to take the steps to being open, if and when he chooses.
Back off and respect his right to deal on his own, unless he asks for help.
Tip of the day:
When sexual interest changes dramatically, check medical causes, as well as relationship ones.