My wife of 15 years had a one-night stand with someone she met in a chat room. There was no relationship. This hurt me so much I wanted to die. I'm ashamed to admit that I begged her to stay.
Though angry and hurt, the thought of not having her in my life seemed worse. I told her to immediately delete his information and de-friend. She did. She's not gone back into the chat room.
It's been four months and things are a lot better. She says she loves me and doesn't want to break up, but I don't know if she's in love with me or will ever be again. I also have mixed feelings about her and wonder if I can trust her again.
I've tried to avoid spying on her emails - very difficult. I also avoid mentioning it. I'm concerned that she's hidden her Facebook "friends" list from me. I believe she actively texts and MSN's with people. She said she doesn't sext with anyone but I know she has previously.
I want to trust her, and be in love with her again. Can we get back to that place or are we lost forever?
Fool in Love
You're not lost; you're finding each other through a fog of hurt and awkwardness. To trust her, you have to understand better how and why it happened. A one-night stand is rarely about love... it's about wanting to feel free, experience risk, or satisfy restlessness. It's the reason for this need that matters, more than the fact itself.
Time to start talking together, about what she thinks she was seeking, and how you two can bring that missing piece into your marriage. Romance? Adventure? Passion?
I married my husband five years ago. I soon realized that his family were all highly manipulative people and I had to be strong.
One of their cousins can only hear shouting, and only if her hearing aids are at full power. She's also somewhat developmentally delayed.
My husband's father and siblings (ages 48-to-80) make cruel comments before her, covering their mouths so she cannot read their lips.
I'm certain she doesn't know or understand that my brothers-in-law are gay partners, and they often make comments that she IS able to hear about how she should marry one of them.
My father-in-law laughs along while other people perpetrate these cruelties. My sister-in-law goes into wailing laughter. Only my husband refuses to participate, but doesn't defend his cousin, either.
She has a decent, steady job, pays her own bills, manages her household, drives, and has a fairly active social life.
My one brother-in-law never worked, he lived off of his parents or a partner. My sister-in-law is a fall-down drunk who cannot keep a job.
Do I tell the cousin the definition of homosexuality? Do I tell her how they speak of her behind her back, or to her face?
Or do I leave her to believe that her family loves and cares about her? My late mother-in-law did. Her family is now making a mockery of her behavior. What do I do?
Be loving, caring, and kind. Do NOT devastate this woman with ugly information. Speak up to your in-laws. Say how ashamed your late mother-in-law would be of their cruelty.
Tell your husband that accepting this behaviour is as wrong as participating. It's not about being gay or drunk. It's about their weakness, and low character.
Reader - "I'm late-70s, in a 30-year affair. I've become somewhat open with close people. Most think we were just friends until my husband's death several years ago.
"People accept, but most don't condone that he's still married. Neither of us had good marriages; we both had ill spouses which made us feel we must stay with them. Neither of us was willing to risk our "image" by going public.
"He calls every day; we live in different cities now and he visits several times a year. His wife knows we're close and that he visits. I have a spare bedroom, which makes any visit seem respectable.
"It's maybe not as unusual as it seems. I think an affair of true love, rather than just a sexual encounter, can help people manage a difficult marriage, to get support mentally, emotionally and physically."
Interesting perspective, but few partners would agree with you.
Tip of the day:
You need to understand the "why" of an emotional blow, to truly forgive and forget.