My boyfriend’s in the exit stages of a marriage where his wife cheated on him, and despite trying to make things work, they were unable.

He’s visited me several times (from another country) and is planning to move back here and start our lives together within a year.

His soon-to-be ex-wife knows about me. However, they still live in the same house with their kids, and sleep in the same room but different beds.

They’ve been going to couples’ massages for a long while, and while I thought he cancelled the sessions, they went to one recently.

Also, the other night he invited the whole family to a movie. When his kids declined, he still took her.

While I know he’s being honest with me and insists his efforts are to have an amicable split, I feel he’s not sending the right message to her and is being hurtful to me.

Am I Wrong?

From his view, he’s honest so he’s “right.” He’s hurting you, so you’re “not wrong” to say so.

In my view, he’s behaving inappropriately to two women, IF he’s made a commitment to you to be with you, and his wife knows this.

It’s awkward, but not uncommon, that separating couples stay in the same house until their financial and custody agreement is settled. But many sleep in separate rooms, to not give the children, let alone the ex, the wrong message.

Couples’ massages is a step further into mixed messages, AND temptation. Since he has a girlfriend waiting for him, it’s thoughtless and foolish of him to even tell you.

Reality check: Some people’s “honesty” is a cover story.

Frankly, it’s time for an ultimatum on exactly when he’s “exiting” his marriage. If he delays past an agreed date, end it.

I was in a relationship for a year and everything was going great; we had a lot of fun and typical problems, but nothing too serious.

Suddenly, my boyfriend changed. He became obsessed with studies and work, and didn’t have time for me. It put a lot of strain on our relationship and we decided to take a break.

He told me that he started seeing me more as a friend, but he also stopped giving me the chance to be a girlfriend.

During the break, he ignored and neglected me, evaded all of my questions to this day. But whenever we got together, it was great again.

He broke up with me suddenly when I was upset one day, but he sent mixed messages about possibly coming around.

He recently said he was confused about how he felt and what he wants.

I still care about him very much and we always enjoy each other's company. Should I wait and try to salvage our relationship when his head clears, or move on?

Confusing Break-Up

Waiting around for someone to “clear his head” about feelings for you, is demeaning, and a confidence crusher.

That was evident during the break, when you felt neglected. A break is most useful to re-defining a relationship, if both people stay unconnected, with minimal or no contact for long enough to assess their deeper feelings.

But you presented yourself as needy, which made him feel the ball was entirely in his court.

Straighten your spine and tell him to take more time apart, while you also figure out your feelings and possibly date others. Suggest a six-months period till you meet to discuss what happens next.

My wife’s celebrating a milestone birthday this year. I’d love to have a party but we live in a small condo.

So I’m planning a surprise dinner at one of her favorite restaurants with about a dozen close friends.

How do I tell our friends that dinner’s "Dutch treat"? Or, should I just suck it up and pay the entire bill myself. I’m working with limited resources.

Not Just Cheap

Two options, depending on how well you know the generosity and understanding of your friends:

1. Invite only closest friends. Say that, instead of gifts, a contribution towards the meal and beverages would be greatly appreciated.

2. Pay the shot. Order a set menu so that you control the price (e.g. a salad starter, chicken or fish-of-the-day, instead of filet mignon); bring a cake as everyone’s dessert. Also, control the drinks (sparkling wine for a toast, one or two glasses of wine, maximum).