I met him online in 2009 and soon knew he was the one for me. After dating for five months, he ended it, saying I was asking too much of him during his busy time at work.
I had a hard time letting go. Later that year, he messaged that he missed me and we got back together. Two weeks later, he emailed that his ex had birthed his child and he had to be there for her. He didn’t return my calls.
After several months, we started messaging each other again. I didn't ask him about his child nor did he bring it up. We began a sexual relationship (no dating) that lasted several years, on and off.
We had a son together in 2013, a daughter this year. He decided to commit to me and I was very happy.
I moved in with him at his parents’ home. I looked through the iPad he lent me and found emails between him and his ex.
I discovered he was with her during the time we were together (cheating on me) and saying that he was very much in love with her. She’s married, so it was a secret affair of many years. He finally ended it because she wouldn’t leave her husband.
I was shocked but confronted him calmly. His only response was to say that former relationship’s over.
I next found he kept her contact information in his phone, and other old email communication. Every time I confronted him he’d accuse me of not believing in him when he said it was over, and that he's with me now.
He later received an email, supposedly from his ex, advising that I’d be told all his dirty past. So he decided to "confess" to me.
Things he’d said previously turned out to be lies. He confessed that he knew his ex was married when they met, yet he wanted a relationship with her.
He confessed that the child she had (which later passed away) may not be his, as she was still having sex with her husband then. He also confessed that he’d experimented with his sexuality the whole time we were together.
This hurt me a lot. He wasn't getting what he needed from her, but instead of turning towards me he turned towards experimenting with his sexuality.
He’s apologized for everything. He wants to start new, including friends who don’t know his past, so we're moving to another city.
I'm having a hard time letting go of all this information about his past. I want to talk to him about it, but he shuts down. He's with me all the time except when he's at work.
We've given complete access to each other’s phones due to my trust issues. Most days I don't think about it and everything is perfect.
I don’t know if I'm ever going to get over it. Your thoughts?
As the mother of his two children, your support of the move is understandable.
But as the woman he’s jerked around, lied to, and cheated on – all for years - ongoing trust issues are even more understandable.
Frankly, his loyalty over time remains questionable. The best chance can come from insisting on getting with clear legal and financial obligations to you and the children. Also crucial is getting couples’ counselling together.
His shutting down the past is worrisome. He must acknowledge how deeply he’s hurt you, and explain what he learned about himself through “experimenting,” so you can assess future risks.
Our family friend, in her 70s, claims she showers daily and someone was once present while this supposedly happened.
However, she constantly smells of urine, feces, and is stinky as a woman.
We need to address this but are unsure how. She’s highly sensitive, and takes jokes the wrong way.
Sometimes it’s so bad that we feel like we’re going to vomit. I’ve had to hold my breath while giving her a ride, and later air the car out.
It can't be too healthy.
What to Do?
Her “sensitivity” and reaction to jokes may reflect some cognitive impairment, which may mean she’s lost awareness of needing personal hygiene.
Someone must get her to a doctor (ensuring she showers first), for a check-up. Also, she may qualify for affordable home care including bathing, through a local seniors’ agency, several times weekly.
These suggestions should come from a relative or the closest friend.
Tip of the day:
Relying on a long-time liar and cheater remains risky.