The man I’ve been dating for over five years, and have been living with for over four years, refuses to introduce me to his daughter.
The only time he invites her to visit him is when he knows I will not be there???????
Your question marks say it all: You need his answers more than mine.
He must have his reasons, but you’re being stuck with second-class status in his life.
I suspect that after five years together you DO know enough clues as to why he keeps you two apart.
But you’re afraid to risk your relationship with him by insisting you meet this daughter.
Whatever those clues are – e.g. ongoing guilt he feels regarding issues with his daughter in the past, or about his breakup with her mother – you should not be accepting a life in the shadows regarding his closest relative.
You already know this and resent being kept hidden… or you wouldn’t have written me.
Tell him how you feel. Say how it affects your feelings for him.
Ask, since his daughter is Number One, if a true partnership is in your future together.
If he won’t reconsider introducing you two, and won’t give you a sense of security for the long-term… why are you staying with him?
My partner and I met and fell in love three years ago.
We’d both been previously married with children, and had two other relationships later. We’re in our late-50's and 60's.
He asked if I’d be his wife and said he would help me with my elderly father who lived with me after my mother died.
I sold my house and we’ve lived together in another dwelling. I loved his adult children, sister, and brother-in-law.
He doesn't open up well and sometimes has outbursts. He’s on antidepressants and does drink, but it doesn’t change him outwardly.
My father, 84, had three hospital admissions, a second stroke, and was recently diagnosed with lung cancer (no treatment, it’s a matter of time for him, a burden but one of love and loyalty for me).
My partner’s been unhappy with all of this.
He says my father should be in long-term-care, not in our home.
He told me that he was leaving and went to another city where his daughters are located.
They’re supportive of me, but this is their father. He emailed me if I have any suggestions I can let him know.
I did not reply. He’s self-centred. I’m trying to cope with this loss.
Yes, he’s self-centered. He made a promise and isn’t willing to see it through.
To be fair, living fulltime with someone in your father’s condition is difficult for both of you, and he hasn’t the history with your father to feel committed to him.
Still, there are some options you can still consider – e.g. having a relief caregiver for a couple of nights so you two could get out together for a break.
Also, as the time gets closer, re-thinking whether hospice care towards the end would be wise, IF your locale provides professional, compassionate hospice care where you, too, are helped through the event.
However, this man has shown that though he may still love you, he’s not prepared for a very rough ride.
It’s up to you to decide if you still want to ignore his email – a cold outreach at best – or try to make some compromises in order to give him another chance.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man, 40, feeling old and fat (Nov. 25):
Reader #1 – “I’m 62 and retired last February. The man’s "million distractions" (from good nutrition and fitness) is a code for stress.
“It can be hard to find the energy to do what’s good for you.
“I’ve now changed my habits of junk-food and TV. With more time from retiring, I started exercising daily and lost 25 pounds.
“I know he can’t wait till my age and stage, but my story indicates that if you change your outlook and have any discipline, you can make improvements.”
Reader #2 – “He should dedicate time to exercise, especially for his mental health.
“Getting out, working off his frustrations, and being free from responsibilities while exercising gives extreme satisfaction.
“Concentrating on a healthy state of mind will make what he thinks is a burden, a joy. Reading positive state-of-mind books and understanding that attitude is ALWAYS a decision, would help.”
Tip of the day:
If you accept second-class status, you won’t change what’s causing it or feel equal in your relationship.