I've been dating a guy for six months. When we talked about our past ex's, I told him that I didn't want to hear about it because I think of his past as history, and he's starting a new beginning with me. He appreciated my view, but still shared some incidents involving other women.
Slowly, I realized he was still talking to some of his flings and had kept in touch with his ex's. I eventually learned that one of his "good friends" was a girl he'd slept with. I felt I was being lied to.
He felt I wasn't being reasonable by asking him to stop contact. He said I shouldn't feel uncomfortable since he barely talks to them. Yet, he frequently has a story about the same friend who used to be a fling.
Is it wrong for me to feel uncomfortable?
It's not "wrong," it's a sign of your being wary. Your view on his past was theory, but in reality, you're still insecure in this still-early relationship. But by asking him to end contact, you make him feel controlled, and just as uncomfortable as you are.
Back off for now. Once you stop making an issue of his friendships, he'll also relax, and perhaps not need to prove he can do as he wants.
If you start planning a future together, discuss and agree on limits to contact with both of your past ex'es.
I'm 17, dating my boyfriend for two years. He's fantastic. But I have this friend at school who said he liked me more than a friend. I've always had a small crush on him.
Everyone says he's a player who dated many girls for short periods. Most of his friends are either his ex-girlfriends or he had "a thing" with them. I love being his friend, but now he has this new friend with whom he's getting closer.
I'm embarrassed to say that I'm jealous! But, I love my boyfriend; I think.... he's so good to me. However, I can't get rid of these feelings yet I also don't want to wreck everything.
My school friend says he has many feelings about me. My boyfriend has been acting really different like he's not into us dating. I've been losing sleep and can't focus in school anymore because of all this.
Sleepless and Torn
Stop the drama. You're setting yourself up for a letdown by everyone. Your friend's a player, that's clear. He's teasing you on purpose - aware of your crush, and fanning it by hinting at having feelings for you, but also revealing whom else he's with. Choosing this guy is begging for heartache. He won't stay around long.
Meanwhile, your boyfriend can't help but be aware that you're distracted, likely less relaxed with him, and often in some contact with this "friend" who's a known player. No wonder he's pulling away, probably to protect himself from getting more hurt.
But that doesn't mean you have to stay in that relationship which you started at 15. Your "crush" is partly an indication that you're still open to getting to know a lot more guys before you settle with one.
Most of all, at 17, you don't have to have a boyfriend to sleep well and focus at school. (A player certainly won't provide you with that comfort).
What you DO need is self-confidence, which comes from friends and dates who make you feel good about yourself, not anxious and needy of them.
FEEDBACK Regarding the aunt who tried to keep a toy for her nephew at her house (Sept. 6):
Reader - "Tell a child he can share a toy with you whenever he's at your house.
"I have plenty of toys here. If someone wants that toy, I tell him or her to come over as soon as possible and play with it.
"I'm 76 and, having observed that I'd always wanted a Lionel train, decided "IF YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A LIONEL TRAIN, BUY ONE NOW!
"So, I bought a train kit, and, I share it with anyone who can still kneel and set up the track, and is old enough not to electrocute themselves plugging it in.
"I've seen 45-year-old dads who obviously also always wanted a Lionel train, prone on the floor making the train whistle, and commanding all the house lights off, so they can enjoy the train lights."
Nice way to share playfulness!
Tip of the day:
In early relationships, don't overreact on reasonable friendships with ex'es.