My husband of five years had an affair with a co-worker one year ago. I discovered it, confronted them both, and it ended.
She threatened to reveal their affair to upper management but didn't when he begged her not to, for all of our children’s sakes.
We’ve been through counseling, and continue working on our marriage. We’ve also faced losses/illness in our extended families.
He’s been actively seeking another job, to get away from this woman whom he still supervises.
I’m giving birth shortly. I’m very anxious that she’ll be a part of any celebrations his staff team makes when the baby’s born.
Also, I was asked by his boss to "bring the baby and toddler by the office" while I’m on maternity leave. I did this with my toddler.
How do I handle seeing the other woman? I was thinking about sending her an e-mail asking her to call in sick the day I’d visit.
Do NOT send an email. It can be circulated and embarrass you and your husband.
Do NOT make any contact with her. The affair’s over, you’re carrying on as a couple, and she’s in the past.
Invite the boss and staff team minus her to your home, for a small celebration… e.g. cake and coffee.
His staff must know of the affair. If she has the nerve to come, he must send her away.
My daughter, 21, dated a man for several months a year ago. He’d recently broken off a longtime relationship. On a two-week family vacation together, I saw that he’s a heavy drinker, with issues from his childhood family.
He gets physical and aggressive when drinking, and provoked which I witnessed then, and several other times… not a pretty sight.
He broke things off a few months after that, saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship as he still had feelings for his ex.
My daughter was distraught and called him many names, with which I agreed.
His ex has since moved on, although they still talk periodically.
I’ve discovered that my daughter’s been in contact with him secretly for several months.
I’ve twice told my daughter how I feel about him, and can’t pretend otherwise. I fear that she may become the victim of a physical and/or verbal encounter related to his alcoholic behaviour. How do I avoid this?
How do I protect her from this relationship without causing a wedge between us?
Dad in a Dilemma
You’ve told her how you feel, now back off that approach. It’s about how she feels that’s the crucial issue.
If you keep acting as the wedge between them, she’ll take his side. That’s the nature of blinkered love. Also, she’s partly focused on proving to him (and herself) that she can’t just be dumped.
So back off, but show interest rather than disapproval. Ask the right questions… did they go out? How did the evening go? Careful on this, but you want to somehow inquire if he’s handling his drinking better now that they’re presumably “okay” again?
Also, on the topic of his ex, or demons from the past… Is he getting any help with this? All these questions, if asked innocently enough, are to get her thinking when she’s alone with him.
Above all, assure her there’s no need for secrecy. Say that you’ll always love her and be there when she needs you, and that secrecy means she opens herself to any kind of treatment at all, because she’s dealing with it alone.
My cousin and I were very close. But even as kids, she’d sometimes be mean to me.
Now as adults, she badmouths me if I “mess up” over trivial things. However, when I moved to her city, she graciously integrated me into her circle of friends, and let me live with her till I found a place.
I've reciprocated, but am never mean to her.
Recently, after something minor happened, she hasn’t contacted me. I've had it with her temper. I don't need this toxicity in my life. The rest of her family just puts up with it.
You’re looking for justification to drop her, despite that she’s also been helpful to you. She’s a difficult person, but would be less so if you could accept her mood swings and not react.
If you know you cannot, tell her you appreciate her help in the past but not her temper. Maintain longer periods of distance.
Tip of the day:
Do NOT contact a spouse’s ex-lover; it only roils up emotions on all sides.