I've been with my wife for over five years of a relationship that was trusting, loving, caring, and understanding. We recently married in a beautiful destination wedding.
She never showed any signs of thinking of another man. Early on, I betrayed her trust by talking to my previous girlfriend, and was caught.
I was remorseful. But no cheating, emotional or otherwise, had transpired. It was just talk.
After that incident, we both decided to make a concerted effort to better our relationship. Over the next three years, I grew to love her dearly.
Last May, while sleeping on the couch before a night job, I heard the sound of an iPad message. I found a message to my wife from a former lover, inquiring what time I was working that evening.
I then discovered they’d been setting this up for two weeks and more was to transpire, likely that evening, while I was working.
I immediately called her at work and confronted her. She came home and a huge fight ensued where she said she might be pregnant with my child.
Heartbroken and confused, I agreed to wait and see. She’s not pregnant but has mistaken my courtesy to the possible mother of my child, as forgiveness for her transgression.
However, I met a woman this past month. I was explicit up-front that I just need a friend.
Now this new woman and me have developed very strong feelings for each other.
I’d decided before any feelings arose, that if there were no pregnancy, I wouldn’t be seeing my marriage through.
Trust is everything to me, and my wife’s simply said there's nothing behind that incident, she was merely bored, he initiated it, and she just went with it.
But I can't trust her. I don’t want to be with anyone who’d betray me in the only way she knew was unforgivable.
I need to know what my best course of action is with this new woman. I'm 32, she's 23, and has a three-year-old son.
I haven't met him yet but the prospect excites me, and I’ve grown very fond of his mother.
I want to go about this the most responsible and mature way possible.
Confused About My New Happiness
Slow down. It’s only been a month and you’re running away with blind hope because you’ve found an “out.” You can’t tolerate “transgressions,” yet you’re already cheating emotionally, and likely sexually, yourself.
Yes, it’s still cheating because you’re still married, even if you haven’t forgiven her. And you’ve done nothing to address why she’d respond to a former lover.
Why was she bored? Was the destination wedding the highlight of your time together, with neither of you nurturing the relationship since? I’m not blaming you; I’m saying that the iPad message was a reality check for both of you to discuss what was missing.
Instead, you’ve turned to someone else way too fast. As a single mom, it’s easy for her to fall for - and need - an older male in her life, especially for her son’s sake. But you need to be far more sure that she’s trustworthy, loving, caring… even if she gets bored.
You may still decide to leave your current marriage. That’s a separate decision.
Just don’t rush into a new situation when you’ve done little reflective thinking about what may’ve been your own contribution to what went wrong before.
And almost no time finding out if this new connection can last.
My son, 30-plus, has been depressed for almost three years. He used to go out to get food. His main frustration is his loss of a job and not having much success in his life.
I met with his family doctor but he hasn’t helped me.
My main aim is that my son leave his room, goes out and enjoys himself, and slowly gets back to work.
Your concern is understandable. Depression lasting this long requires ongoing medication and therapy.
If his family doctor isn’t seeing him regularly, ask for referral to a psychiatrist or therapist specialized in depressed patients. Once in therapy, he’d benefit from career counselling to help him get back to work.
Show understanding for your son’s situation, without setting your own expectations for him to get out and “enjoy.” That’s meaningless to him right now. Keep a close watch, in case you need to take him to a hospital.
Tip of the day:
Rushing too fast from marital distrust into another’s arms rarely provides a more secure relationship.