Following are leftover questions from my online chat, “How to Leave a Lover,” of July 2:

My wife of 18 years never said she was unhappy with our marriage, she’d never told me what she wanted me to change. She just left one day, filed for divorce. That was three years ago.

She’s recently married the man she’d been having a secret affair with for years. I’m seeing someone now but I don’t find it easy to trust. I think the way she left was cowardly.

Unforgiving

Yes, it was cowardly, but an abrupt leave-taking is unfortunately a common exit strategy. Many people hide from confrontation even if their sudden, cold departure will hurt others much more that way. And it does, because the rejected person is left with a lingering powerlessness, such as you seem to feel.

There’s no chance to ask questions, suggest solutions, or try to make changes. And no opportunity to argue your case, raise some counter critiques, cast blame… anything to vent your anger and frustration at this kind of summary dismissal.

BUT, once it’s over, cowardly way or not, it’s over.

How she left should have nothing to do with assessing the next person you feel attracted to date.

Not trusting in general only hurts you more, since it causes you to put up a wall that may not let a really great person get close.

Don’t let your ex-wife’s cowardice define your future. Get over how she did it.

My ex-husband was jealous, constantly questioning me if I talked to another man, though he knew that I worked alongside male colleagues.

I wanted a lasting marriage but couldn’t put up with his constant suspicion and hounding.

We went to a counsellor but it didn’t stop his accusing me - even in front of her! - during our sessions.

The minute I met someone special, I left. I did it when he was at work. He told everyone he always knew I was cheating!

But I don’t care. My new husband and I have the loving, trusting relationship I’ve always wanted.

Happy at Last

Constant jealousy often morphs into its own tactic for ending a relationship, since it pushes a partner away.

The suspicious spouse doesn’t think he/she’s ending it, but ironically, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy because most spouses can’t tolerate that level of hounding indefinitely.

Your ex may’ve been an insecure man, who didn’t think he could hold onto you any other way.

Or, in another ironic twist, some people who accuse their partner’s of infidelities they didn’t commit are actually guilty themselves and hide their disloyalty this way.

As you well know, you were smart to leave this unhealthy relationship and lucky to be in a happy, trusting one.

My husband and I bicker a lot; we disagree about many everyday things. But he’s a great father, and a very responsible husband. We’re good together sexually, respect each other’s work, and help with each other’s families.

Friends wonder how we’ve lasted 12 years, but neither of us thinks of leaving. Should we be seeing a therapist if neither of us is unhappy?

Opinionated Partners

Not if you’re honestly happy in this mode. Some couples truly enjoy the cut and thrust of debate and disagreements (as opposed to all-out fights with degrading putdowns).

However, most other people find public bickering off-putting and even upsetting, so better to curtail it outside the house. You two may still be together but can lose friends this way.

My sister’s married someone whom our family was slow to get along with and like. He can be a little controlling, has an attitude of "my way or the highway," and shows little concern for others' feelings, thoughts, or plans.

It’s strained my sister’s and my relationship, as her personality has completely changed. I'm not sure how, and if, I can have a relationship with her while she's married to someone so difficult to tolerate.

Upset Sis

Your sister may need you now more than ever before.

It’s likely she’s been changed by his controlling ways. Unless she’s very needy and believes his taking charge is a show of love, she could easily have serious problems when she eventually tries to assert herself.

I’m wondering if there’s some history between you, that has you ready to walk away from what obviously could become trouble for her.

Don’t use this excuse. Stay connected to her.