When’s the right time to tell my son, five, that his dad chooses to not be part of his life?

Should I let him grow older and figure it out on his own? If I do tell him, how should I explain it?

His dad pays zero child support, lives in a different city, as if he doesn’t have a child. I’ve always been very open to him seeing my son and encouraged him to participate as a parent in his life.

Sadly, he never calls or shows up when he says he will. Do I discuss this at all?

Single Sad Mom

Do NOT tell him now, and especially not in the way you’ve expressed it here.

Your ex may never be in his son’s life…. or he may develop an interest and want to participate in some way later. You need to leave that possibility open unless there’s a serious reason not to (e.g. potential abuse, or your child’s refusal to see him).

Meanwhile, your son already knows there’s a father out there somewhere who doesn’t make contact.

If you do tell him, avoid all those negative phrases – “pays zero support…. as if he doesn’t have a child.” Your son will understand more over time, but those words can easily make him feel, “I’m not good enough for my father to care.”

I strongly suggest you talk to a counselor to help you frame answers for when he asks questions. For now, the simple facts will do: “Your father doesn’t live near here and can’t visit.”

I’m 19, and my doctors think that I have Multiple Sclerosis. I’ve been dreading the day they’ll confirm my worst fears.
I’ve never had a girlfriend or even a date, but what I need right now is a serious relationship. There’s only one girl I can consider being with my entire life.

I’ve known her for 12 years, but we don’t talk much anymore. Our families are friends and we get along great. She’s smart, funny, nice, pretty, and shares many of my world views.

She recently broke up with her boyfriend and I wouldn't want her or her family to think I was taking advantage of her.

But sex is one of the last things on my mind when it comes to a relationship, especially right now.
Should I tell her my predicament and how it made me uncover my feelings for her? Should I wait until after I get my results?

Planning Ahead

While it would be great to have a caring girlfriend at this time, the last thing you need right now is a possible disappointment. As wonderful as this girl might be, she may not appreciate being “chosen” without a mutual build-up of interest.

First, get your condition confirmed, a treatment plan prescribed, and with your close family and doctors think through some of the ways you’ll stay positive and pro-active about your own well being.

Then, if this girl still attracts you, make contact. Tell her you remember her as a kindred spirit, and would like to get together. If she accepts, hang-out a couple more times, getting to know each other better, before you mention your condition.

However, she may not be the only girl for you. Also, there’s really no need to find your life partner now, especially since you’ve had no previous relationship experience.

And it won’t be easy or wise to tie up your whole future before you’ve developed your own response to being on a new path.

FEEDBACK Regarding the student, 17, struggling to get ahead despite poverty and caring for her younger brother (Nov.1):

Reader – “This is exactly the kind of student who would be well served by an alternative school system (in Toronto, particularly Subway Academy II).

“Subway II is designed for students with outside obligations who would benefit from the freedom to learn independently at home, only requiring them to meet with teachers for three mornings a week.

“Many Toronto District School Board guidance counsellors don't know about this tiny downtown high school, so I hope you’ll mention it to her as an option for the upcoming semester. Here’s their information flyer, and one can also access their website at

http://www.tdsb.on.ca/schools/index.asp?schno=5846

Teacher

Ellie – I’ve included this area-specific information in the hopes that readers in other places, even faraway locales will seek, or be inspired to create, similar educational support for students with difficult circumstances.