I love my wife, but am in a sexless marriage of six years. I cheated recently. I was tired of waiting/asking and understanding. I felt guilty, but got frustrated again… your thoughts?

With Cause

You’ve crossed a line and now it’ll get easier, every time you get frustrated… but, if this isn’t how you want to live out your marriage, Talk and Listen. Say how you feel and find out how she feels.

If you hear signs of a depression, go to the doctor with her. Do not make this only about getting back to having sex; learn what’s affected her so deeply.

If there’s no physical or mental health reason, then go to couples’ counselling to explore whether she has overwhelmed feelings from adjustment to marriage (and perhaps child-rearing too), or some other cause for refusing sex.

If ultimately there’s no change, then ask yourself if you want to just keep sneaking around indefinitely. A clean break is far healthier for everyone concerned, than a life of deceit.

My boyfriend of eight months, 26, lives an hour outside of my city. He emigrated here to start his career.

A highly sought position was supposed to be available to him through employers his family knew.

He applied last May but has never been contacted by the company, not even after he followed up. He’s been unemployed, relying on his family to help him secure this job. The rejection’s been very tough.

He recently decided to move, to where some relatives live. He believes he has a better chance of getting a job there. He’s not looking forward to moving in with a cousin whom he doesn’t like, but cannot afford to live on his own.

They live in a secluded rural area, an hour from any town where part-time jobs would be available till he finds work in his field. He doesn’t have a car. His cousin would have to drive him places.

Just days before he made this decision, my parents (who really like him) had approached me with an offer for him to move into their house if he was able to secure a job in this city, and move out on his own within a few months.

I never had the chance to discuss this option with him before he told me his new plans. I worry that he'll see it as me trying to prevent his leaving me.

I believe he’s hindering, more than helping himself, by moving. I don't have the heart to tell him that I believe he needs to rethink his plans because I don't think it's my place.

Should I talk to him about my concerns? Should I tell him about my parents' offer?

Uncertain

Tell him about your parents’ offer. Do NOT go on too much about your concerns; he has his own. Simply say that this is an option that might work because there are more job opportunities in your city.

Be clear that your parents would expect him to move out when he can; this isn’t a ploy to keep him beholden to them or you.

Do state your feelings for him, that of course mean you’d prefer if he could be living close by, but you also fully support whatever decision he makes which is about his own career aspirations.

Then back off. Even if he moves away, stay supportive; but if a job isn’t found after awhile, repeat your parents’ offer.

FEEDBACK Regarding the writer who described her estranged husband’s Asperger’s Syndrome (June 21):

Reader – “Asperger’s wasn’t known when we got married and when our son, 44, was born. I had to figure out what I was supposed to do and not do, so that I didn’t arouse my husband’s anger.

“I advise leaving the relationship. My husband hasn’t taken any interest in our son; I do all the caring. It’s like having two children.

“I’ve worked, sometimes three jobs, to pay the bills for someone who has no idea of cost and runs up credit cards. I’ve had to pay off his debts three times.

“Your Reader’s account allowed me to be honest with myself about what our marriage has been like, and that has been very therapeutic for me. My husband has always interfered with my going out and making friends.”

I urge you to find a local support group for Families of Adults affected by AS.