Recently, my boyfriend cheated on me with an ex he ran into in a bar when out with the boys, and that night decided to go back to her. He told me nothing happened, then strung me along for nearly a week while meeting with her a couple more times.
We talked daily and every night he says "sweet dreams and talk to you in the morning" all the while planning our good-bye.
Though he’d previously told me that this woman made him feel like garbage, five years after leaving her he's now going back. He said that he can be himself around her.
I’m a good person - supportive, empathetic, not a drama queen. I prefer to talk things through. If I love someone, I’m not very good at hiding my feelings. But now I’m at a loss.
My question: Is “I’m not good enough for you, you deserve someone better," something that guys say just to get out of a relationship? Or do they mean it? I’ve been told this before.
Do they truly believe they aren't worthy of being loved and so then have to sabotage the relationship? Why can't they just be happy being loved by a good person? It's very lonely up on this pedestal where I’ve been placed.
Confused and Heartbroken
Some people (men, and women too) make this statement, thinking that they mean it. But it’s an excuse they create to end their relationship.
It’s false, laying blame for their cheating and breaking up, on you.
Push away your “pedestal” and answer him: “No, I’m not too good, just not a liar and cheat. I’m lucky to be rid of you.”
I met a man 15 years older than me and we’re in an 8-year relationship. We maintained separate homes but spent most days together. He was smitten.
We helped each other, travelled and lived together for three months in the winter. I always paid my half of expenses. I’m an entrepreneur and taught him about real estate investments.
His adult son told him to get a will, put his name on all the banking, sell any investment property with me to avoid any problem for him if his father died. I still held title of the investment property.
He also convinced his father to sell his principal property. Suddenly, he’s now moving to a retirement home but wants my help setting up his room and to continue the relationship.
I feel used. Two years into our intimate relationship he’d told me that someone said he should be careful with black women because they rip white men off. My partner said that he’s proven them wrong.
For six years, he’s refused to reveal who said that. I’ve now said I need to know, or we can separate since he’s decided to move on by himself.
Used and Angry
What an outrageous racist smear! The fact that he even repeated it to you, smitten or not, was a red flag back then. He was trying to prove to you that he’s not racist, though he protected the speaker.
Your relationship as you knew it has already come to its end through his son’s interference/distrust of your financial involvement with his father. And your partner’s willingness to make serious changes without any discussion with you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the nephew who feels he can’t forgive his uncle’s wife for asking/demanding the family patriarch be moved to a seniors’ home (Sept. 23):
Reader – “Despite their large house/resources, we don’t know the back story. Perhaps the wife suffers anxiety, depression or an emotional crisis and craves her privacy.
“Perhaps their marriage wasn’t happy and this situation was an added burden to their relationship. Or they’re dealing with their own adult children or her own extended relatives and family, so it’s not all about the nephew’s family as the priority here.
“She didn’t grow up with the family patriarch. Perhaps there are personality conflicts between them. Or he isn’t even a nice person when someone’s around him for an extended period of time.
“I think the letter-writer should show more compassion to the caregiver. Her reaction may not be as callous and ruthless as he feels.
“Not everyone wants to share their house with relatives.”
Tip of the day:
When someone says that you’re “too good” for them, it’s their lying excuse for being already involved with someone else. And trying to wrongly put the blame on you. Be relieved that it’s over.