My sister and her husband split up about a decade ago. My sister wasn’t forthcoming in explaining that she had been having an affair, so we all rallied around her. When the truth came out, my parents and I were furious! We went so far as to invite her ex over – for the first time in a year – and apologized to him profusely. We then included him in every family event, for the children’s sake (and to spite my sister).

My sister spent the next eight years with her lover, whom we all didn’t like because of his bad behaviour (he was also married at the time of the affair). But as the years progressed, everything settled down into a workable rhythm. Obviously, we didn’t want to exclude my sister from our own family, but we needed time to get over her storytelling. And we needed time to be kind towards her new man, all while keeping her ex, and the father of her children, close.

Now she and her lover have split, and I just can’t get my head around the way she lives her life. They split because, you guessed it, she was having an affair. But this time, it was a short-lived, sex-only kind of thing.

Why is she blowing her whole life up? I can’t deal with her!

Sex-crazy Sister

Your sister sounds insecure and craving male attention. I don’t know anything about her to explain why she has an issue with commitment, or a skewed sense of morality, but those are her issues – not yours.

And though I assume you love her and want to be a close family, you don’t have to approve of her behaviour. At the same time, you’re not her parent, she’s an adult, and it’s not your place to scold her.

Remaining close with her ex-husband is unnecessary, unless you really like him. Maintaining a healthy and friendly relationship with him is advisable, for the sake of your nieces and nephews.

Back to your sister: I have no doubt she knows how you feel about her lifestyle. Back off. Let her deal with her own mess. She doesn’t need your constant disdain.

My mother died when I was young and my father never remarried. I had a boyfriend in my teens who had a lovely mother. She seemed to understand me and we became close. The relationship ended but he and I remained great friends, into our adult lives, until he died in a car accident.

I stayed close with his mother, and she became a surrogate grandmother to my children. Her husband recently passed away, and her son insists she move into a retirement home. She’s arguing with him because she loves to cook, enjoys cleaning and is physically and mentally capable of living on her own. She begged me to speak with him on her behalf. He won’t listen.

My husband suggested she could live in our granny flat, a self-contained apartment over half of our garage that we use for storage (not noisy or smelly). The kids are ecstatic! I offered it to her and she was thrilled. But her son is saying he won’t allow it. How can he control her like this?

Not my Mother

There are many factors involved, as in, her mental health, who has power of attorney over her finances, etc. I suggest speaking to a lawyer in your jurisdiction to understand all legal implications. If necessary, and if she’s so inclined, hire a lawyer to explain the situation to her son, if you can prove that she still has autonomy over her own decision making.

Be prepared that if you go the distance with this, her son may walk away completely. She needs to be completely on board.

FEEDBACK Regarding Miss Understood (Feb. 7):

Reader – “Been there. Understand. I suggest you stop all attempts at humour, irony or sarcasm. Deal directly only with the topic at hand. No side issue discussions or normal interactions that build community. This person is a literal. All they want from you is communication about the task at hand. Meet them where they are and save your personality for others.”

FEEDBACK Regarding pet loss (Feb. 17):

Reader – “I highly recommend going online and finding The Rainbow Bridge. It is soul satisfying.”

Reader #2 – “Put the woman and anyone grieving the loss of a pet in touch with the Ontario Pet Bereavement Group. They are excellent in helping people move through the grief associated with losing a pet, including having monthly virtual meetings.”

Reader #3 – “The best remedy for the grief of losing a pet is getting another pet.”

Lisi – Three very good suggestions.