I’m female, single, and had a great love life in my 20s, with a succession of really good men. That changed when I turned 27.
I then had a short relationship with a man who turned out to be impotent. Of course that relationship didn’t last.
I soon dated another man who said he was madly in love with me but had the same problem.
I stayed with him for a few months but eventually the relationship broke down. I felt very badly for him, since it was due to his problem which he didn’t seem to be able to fix.
I soon met another man whom I liked very much. He turned out to be impotent, too. But we stayed together for over a year because we got along so well together.
He said that I “embarrassed” him, because I was “too beautiful.” He explained that when we walked into a room, he could hear the heads click as they turned, and he could sense the men speculating on the size of his sexual equipment.
This made him uncomfortable, he said.
However, after about a year his problem was resolved and he was able to perform. I was so happy that we could at last have a normal healthy sexual relationship.
The next morning he was very distant with me and he left abruptly. I didn’t hear from him for three days.
I finally got him to respond to my calls, texts and emails asking what was wrong. He said, “You want something that I’m not prepared to give.” He hasn’t called me since.
Considering my recent dating history, one of my friends said: “You must be a real ball breaker.”
Now I feel there’s something wrong with ME.
Unlucky in Love
Your “friend” threw a nasty label at you without any evidence of a direct cause from you, or helpful suggestions.
Consider what it would mean if you truly believed that a man’s impotence can be your fault… as in, you belittle your men, mock their sexual performance, control all decisions, purposefully impose great stress on them, etc.
If that were so, I’d doubt you’d have had so many receptive boyfriends.
Look, instead, at the usual medically proven causes of impotence, many of them referring to men over 40.
Given your age, the men you described were unlikely to have erectile dysfunction through obvious conditions easy for doctors to check, such as heart disease, diabetes, cancer, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc.
However, some boyfriends in their 20s may have consumed excessive alcohol, or had deep emotional reasons for their inability to perform, such as depression and anxiety.
Meanwhile, this most recent man you were with for a year, either got treatment of some kind, or overcame the problem himself.
Yet he lashed out, first to blame you for being too beautiful (that’s heavy-duty insecurity on his part!), and then with an undefined accusation that implies that he’s incapable of the love you want… though he’s stayed with you this long.
If there’s something “wrong” here, it’s your selection process and hanging in with this last guy.
You appear from your details to be open, giving, and uncomplicated in seeking love, as well as being fairly sympathetic to males who have “issues.”
But at 27, it’s time that you recognize that some men you encounter are very complicated, evidenced by this last man. Avoid them.
Move on… and be more discerning.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding a brother’s concern that his sister’s being emotionally and physically abused by her husband (Feb. 19):
Reader – “As a social worker, I must note that the behaviour of bullies is NOT about anger. It’s is about control using aggression. (Read Carol Travris’ Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion showing how anger is about hurt and injustice. And more.
“People with controlling aggressive behaviour in romantic relationships are fully in control of their emotions, evidenced by their ability to be loving and solicitous in larger groups, the public and the workplace.
“You certainly recognized the protection needed for the wife. Talking to her parents is a good idea and maybe to other family members, but that should be about developing a safety plan that they can offer her.
“Furthermore, it is NOT her responsibility to report to authorities. The brother has seen it and can report it. And should, but developing a safety plan would be paramount.”
Tip of the day:
Impotence has several contributing factors, including both physical and emotional disorders, for which treatment may be available. Seek medical or counselling help.