My husband's ex-wife lives nearby because of their joint custody with their son, 11. She lives with her fiancé, yet calls my husband or shows up crying when she has problems - even for car trouble. She can well afford a mechanic!    
She drops her son at our house before 7 a.m.; he wakes up everyone including our toddler by stomping, putting on the TV, slamming the door, etc.
He even arranged going to the movies with his mom and dad! No one discussed it with me! It sends the wrong message to a boy who still wants his parents back together.    
I've tried to explain to my husband that I don't like his ex’s closeness with him. He doesn't hear me.  
- Married to Me

The problem is your husband so stop diverting frustration towards his son. Your husband doesn’t hear you because you’ve not stated directly what you’re NOT willing to accept.      
If he’s fine with his son being dumped out of his home so early, then HE, his father, should go get him and keep him from waking up the household. OR, insist to his ex there be some arrangement that works for all of you.      
His ex-wife’s car is her business; so are her personal problems. He needs to set boundaries, for example, she can only call on him regarding their son.      
As for both parents doing things with their son, that requires delicate handling: 1) They cannot just leave you out of discussing this; 2) There are special occasions  - and special families – where parents and step-parents can be present, so the child gets the support he needs without dividing people.      
But, 3) It’s not the child alone who gets to decide when this happens. All the parents need to understand and agree on when this is appropriate.

Our son, 19, dated a young lady, 17, for over a year. The girl would tell our son his gifts weren’t good enough or expensive enough. Her parents allowed her to be with him, and talk to/text him constantly, whenever she wanted.    
We told our son that some restraint is necessary because she’s still in high school; he respected this. Events became ordeals for our son, worrying what he should do to keep her happy.      
He was there for her at sad times and during family functions, but when he needed to give attention to his own family, he was told, “Your parents are too involved.”    
She dumped him, his self-esteem plummeted and his father and I took the blame for eventually having commented, “If you have to work that hard to keep a relationship happy and moving along, then its time to evaluate where you’re going.”        
Why do some parents not understand that our teenagers still need guidance from behind the scenes? Didn’t this girl’s parents see her becoming so “high maintenance” with her boyfriend and identifying her whole being through him?    
- Parents Have Responsibility

Yes, parents of teenagers have the ongoing important roles of coaches and guides even when their teenagers are in the throes of powerful emotions like early love.    
It’s not easy and must start when the kids are young; that way, the rules of engagement when they’re dating are not so surprising, but rather a continuum of the family’s values.        
Having “involved” parents who give teens support - but not a license to do anything they want - is a building block of self-esteem. And that’s a crucial element for them to bring to any relationship for the rest of their lives.

FEEDBACK A response regarding a daughter-in-law who’s blocked all grandparent/grandchildren contact (April 22 column):    
Reader – “I'll soon face the same issues with my son’s common-law-wife as she’s very manipulative.      
“After living with me (a separate flat) for four years, they’ve moved three hours from the city before their baby’s birth. I know I won’t be allowed to establish a normal relationship with this child.”  
- Very Worried
Answer: Building a scenario of rejection in your mind creates a self-fulfilling prophecy: You’re bound to overreact.      
Though your DIL may be as manipulative as you say, she MUST be given the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t move just to avoid you.    
And she’s entitled to some common new-Mom missteps (over-protectiveness, sensitivity, etc.). After the birth, congratulate her, show interest in her well being, not just the baby’s. Offer to help but don’t push into their bubble of parenthood too soon.