I’ve been married for 5 years and was recently diagnosed with a sleep disorder called sexsomnia. My husband’s concluded that there’s no problem and that I’m having affairs.
Recently, I received a phone call from a lady saying they’re having an affair. My husband said he was sorry and would end it and give our marriage a chance.
The lady then lied that she was pregnant to keep him around, then lied that she had a miscarriage. They keep seeing each other.
I’ve asked our pastor to talk to my husband, and he’s reduced the frequency of being with her. Is it a sign of change, or is it just me who wants something I can’t have? I told him to move out but it seems he’s not ready to move in with this lady yet.
- He’s Cheating
Let’s start with that fairly rare diagnosis, which may be a clue to this messed-up marriage: Sexsomnia. The common definition is sexual behavior driven by abnormal arousal during deep sleep. Some definitions also describe the sex act as violent, with the initiator later unaware, when awake, of what happened.
So, IF you’re only ever in bed with Hubby, then he’s the guy you’re jumping when asleep … which makes it odd that he’d accuse YOU of having affairs.
There’s no question that HE has been cheating. The pastor may be able to influence him, but you two need additional help to stay together. Get back to your doctor and have him recommend a sex therapist for you to attend together. Ask for ways to deal with your condition and with Hubby’s wandering, through a renewed approach to intimacy between you.
If needed, also see a marriage counsellor to look at other areas of how you two relate.
My close girlfriend’s a university student like me; she never does her work on time, leaving everything until the last minute. So it builds up into almost un-resolvable matters.
She’s resorted to obtaining doctors’ notes as excuses, by feigning symptoms in walk-in clinics. She’s faked having the swine flu in order to avoid writing a midterm for which she was unprepared.
When work builds up, she gets very irritable and complains about how much she has to do. I tell her to plan it, but she does nothing. Sometimes, she drops classes for good.
One possibility is she’s not interested at all in what she’s studying. I tell her to use the summer to try different internships and jobs, but she does nothing.
Another option is that she has a mental health condition preventing her from trying at school, e.g. depression. However, I don’t know if this is the case and she doesn’t seem depressed, interacts with friends regularly and doesn’t have other symptoms of withdrawal and hopelessness.
Another option is "chronic laziness." I don’t know which of the three is closest to the truth. I don’t know what to do.
- Concerned
Whoa! Stop the amateur analysis, step back and consider what is NOT your business or responsibility to fix.
Your girlfriend’s already shown that she’ll not change her ways just from your suggestions. She needs to find out for herself – even if it means failing her year – how to get motivated or decide what else to do.
While your concern comes from caring, your attempt at labeling her “condition” isn’t useful, save for assuring that she’s not depressed. Now back off. She needs personal growth without relying on you as her crutch.
My Mom and I, 24, always had a great relationship and we’ve been living together for two years. My sister had to move back in with us temporarily. We’ve always had a volatile relationship and I’d thought she’d now treat me with more respect as an adult.
But when I try to talk to Mom, my sister always interferes and Mom takes her side. Should I just move out on my own or go stay with someone else for a few days?
- Shut Out
Mom knows that you and she have a secure relationship, so she compensates for Sis’ rivalry (jealousy?) with you by accommodating her. It’s unfair to you, but she likely feels it’s the only way to prevent a worse battle for attention.
Leave, either way. There’s too little time together for any major change in your sister’s behaviour. Walking away shows you’re a wiser adult than both of them.
Tip of the day:
When sexual problems mess up a relationship, that’s where to start making changes.