I'm an unhappily married man, age 40, whose wife’s never satisfied and accuses me of everything.
There’s been no sex for the last two years. I’ve recently seen a doctor with my ED (erectile dysfunction) and was told there’s no health problem but stress.
We have a beautiful daughter who’s my life.
Last year I went overseas and met my old girlfriend for 10 minutes. After I returned, she called me.
We’ve discovered that we still love each other and now we talk five hours daily and also text.
I visited her this year for a week and my ED was gone, sex was amazing.
She wants me to move back there and live with her. I’d love to, but I'm a father.
Don't send me to counselling because it's not going to work.
What To Do?
Counselling certainly won’t work because you won’t let it. You want a fast answer, like the one you found in 10 minutes overseas.
Your girlfriend also has a fast answer – you move there and don’t worry about your daughter. She can visit you sometimes, if she will, and if your eventual custody agreement allows for it.
OR, you can talk to someone you trust and respect, like an older relative or wise person in your community, who may suggest you think through the practical issues.
Example: Whether this woman who’s so eager to be with you will move here so you can still be very involved with your child.
Or, how you’d support yourself if living overseas and also pay child support here.
You should also talk to a lawyer to learn what exactly are your rights and responsibilities to your child and to your current wife, if you separate.
Of course, counselling would help you look at what went wrong after marrying someone whom you once desired.
It can also help you see whether you possibly contributed to the problems.
Otherwise, you might repeat the behaviour and eventually be part of another unhappy relationship.
My boyfriend (56) of two years says really hurtful things to me (45) when we argue.
I try to fight fair but he goes for the jugular. He gets very angry when I want to explore this reaction and blames me.
He calls me an agitator, narcissist, princess, child, and immature. He says that 80-95% of our problems are my fault and his fault is tolerating it.
Recently, he even said I had nothing else good about me other than "pretty looks.”
When I later say that I'm deflated and this has hurt me, he says he didn't mean it.
He’s twice divorced and I'm wondering if that could be affecting/distorting his view of me?
He says he was never angry like this with anyone else, that I bring it out.
How To Handle Anger
It’s your boyfriend who needs to “handle” his anger, not you.
This relationship is unlikely to last unless he recognizes how he’s deflating your spirit and any pleasure you still feel at being with him.
He hurts you, demeans you, blames you, insults you… and later thinks he can make up for it with a “didn’t mean it.”
I’m betting he dealt with his two ex-wives the same way. And they decided not to take it anymore.
Insist that he go for anger management therapy. If he won’t go, take a break of several months.
You need time away from his outbursts, to think through your options.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wrote that her boyfriend’s sexual “style” was not exciting for her (July 24):
Reader – “I agree from my own experience that sex can be taught.
“A book that really helped my partner and me connect in a more satisfying way, is called Venus and Mars in the Bedroom, by John Gray.
“The author handled the subject naturally, lightly, and sensitively, so that we both felt comfortable.
“He had suggestions for both men and women in helping them connect sexually. We read it together and it shed light on that side of the relationship.”
Ellie – John Gray’s “Venus and Mars” series has made sense to a lot of couples struggling with issues, including how to understand and relate to each other in everyday life as well as sexually.
When a couple, like yourselves, agree to read together and learn together to deal with an issue, you’re already more than half-way to solving most problems.
Tip of the day:
Seek professional advice rather than make a hasty decision to leave behind your child, for another woman.