My wife and I have a child of our own, and one from her previous marriage.

Whenever my brother-in-law’s around our son, he’s made him cry.

Recently, he again was very rough and the boy almost cried.

Whenever I raise this with my wife, she becomes very defensive and takes her brother’s side.

I don't want to bring this up with her again for fear that she’ll start accusing our son and me instead.

I'm unsure if a call to the authorities is warranted.

Concerned Father

Open the conversation gently. Ask your wife why she doesn’t mind that her son ends up crying on these occasions.

There’s more to this, since it’s unusual for a mother to take that position.

But the bottom line is that rough play is unacceptable because the boy gets hurt.

It’s not her brother’s job to toughen up the child, while it IS both parents’ responsibility to assure that he doesn’t get hurt, physically or emotionally.

Alert her that if there’s another incident, you’ll both be legally obliged to report her brother’s abuse.

One colleague’s extended leave has meant we all have to pitch in and cover their work, too.

But another colleague, who isn’t a team player, appears to be covertly doing some other work on their computer unrelated to our organization.

Another workmate and I noticed that she/he switches off the computer screen when someone walks by.

It’s obvious by the keystroke sounds that something else is being done.

Our work is very busy, and we’ve all been asked to step up. Even if not for the unexpected extra workload, I believe she/he shouldn’t be taking advantage of work equipment to take on a part-time job or whatever else is happening.

There are workplace policies here, which could result in dismissal of this person.

But I don’t want this main family breadwinner to get fired.

Should I tell my Manager and feel like a whistleblower or squealer?

We have no concrete proof of what she/he’s doing except for what we see and hear.

We have our suspicions about what it is.

However, I’m extremely angry and upset that someone’s taking advantage of the workplace equipment and conveniences. It’s unethical and dishonest.

Whistleblower Dilemma

In any formal complaint, the first response here would be, “What’s your evidence?” You have only statements of “sounds/seems like…”

While your sense of workplace ethics is admirable, your level of anger seems excessive unless by this one person’s not pitching in, you’re being worked off your feet.

(Or unless what you suspect is that she/he’s watching porn or on dating sites, i.e. something that you personally find distasteful.)

Meanwhile you have every right – and it’ll give the person a fair chance – if you say directly that this is the only person not carrying their weight at a very busy time and increasing the burden on all the others.

That alone might get you the help you need, which is all you’re responsible for in this situation.

If it doesn’t change things, then you’re faced with the deeper ethical question of whether your colleague’s taking advantage of office equipment by working another job from there.

It’s then a matter for management.

Since you’re sensitive enough to not want to get someone fired, say that you and others noticed that she/he seems preoccupied with outside business while on a computer.

Say that it’s unfair under the current workload and could cause a formal complaint.

It’ll likely stop.

From age 15 to 18, my emotionally abusive boyfriend constantly told me I was stupid and fat. I was neither, but had very little self-esteem.

I got pregnant, had an abortion (which he insisted on), and became depressed, and then bulimic after stuffing myself with comfort food.

At 19, I broke up with that guy, did well in college, got a good job, and married a sweet, good man. We have two sons.

Recently, 20 years later, my ex messaged me on Facebook. I didn’t respond.

He’s brought back all my insecurities and triggered my eating problems.

How do I stop this reaction?

History Repeated

You’ve already proven to yourself (and everyone else) that you have the strength and wisdom to dismantle that trigger.

Stay off Facebook long enough to calm yourself and dissociate your social media time from memories of your former abuser.

Spend the added time with your husband and sons, involved in loving family activities.