I’m in my 50’s, still working, my husband’s been retired for three years. 

In January of 2006 he said if I didn’t change, and things didn’t change, we’d have to separate. He then went to Europe for five weeks. 

Soon after his return, I suggested marital counselling for us, and anger management and depression therapy for him. He started separation proceedings, and then moved out. 

A month later he said he has a girlfriend (since June 2006) that he’s in love, and he’d only met her on the Internet. 

He wanted to live in Europe half the year. 

Our adult sons were shocked he’d already have someone in his life after 36 years of marriage. One son still refuses contact with him. 

Meanwhile, my husband and I began a physical relationship in March 2007 (good sex). We’ve reconciled and been together again for two years. 

I’m still doubtful because he never fulfilled his dreams and periodically reminds me of this, and that she was his dream girl. 

Am I stupid to be in this marriage/relationship?

- Confused

Tell him to stop whining about what clearly did NOT work out; now, you both need to explore how to make the marriage more mutually nourishing. Good sex is a great start. But what also needed “changing” was a team approach to his retirement. 

Perhaps he felt less valued when not working; or he was alone at home too much; or aging became more immediate a concern. Retirement is a couples’ transition, even if only one person stops work. 

Tell him you’re better than his untested “dream girl,” because you stuck by him, and still care for him despite HIS flaws; and you’re willing to try changes that suit you both, such as more travel together.

MY never-married sister, 44, still lives with my parents. She hates my brother’s wife and never speaks with her or my brother when they visit my parents. 

If you disagree with her, she won’t speak with you for months. She doesn’t have many friends because she cuts off anyone who “wrongs” her. She sits on the computer all night and sulks. 

For five years, she’s gotten worse – always arguing with my parents. I advise they sell the house, buy a small condo so she’ll be forced to move, but Mom feels sorry for her. 

She’s gained a lot of weight. 

We siblings have our own families and can’t spend much time with her, but nobody really wants to. 

I think she could be depressed. But I can’t tell her as she’ll get upset and stop talking to me. 

Is there anything we can do to make her happy? 

- Worried

You can start with losing your label – as in, “my never-married sister” – and showing real caring. 

It shouldn’t have taken years to recognize that she’s troubled, as she became increasingly isolated, overweight, and miserable. If you don’t give her some time, and support, you could end up with a disaster… e.g. nervous breakdown, health crisis from obesity, further drain on your parents, etc. 

Start showing interest in her, invite her to your home, include her in some outings with children; suggest joining a gym together, or even just taking a regular walk. 

Encourage her to get out, be more active, and see a doctor. Don’t present these ideas to “fix” her, but because you want her to be healthy and happy. She may resist, but at least you’ll try. 

Eventually, it may require a family intervention to get her some medical and mental health care. 

I took an extra course in summer school and met a boy in the class. After the three-week course, we didn’t speak for months. 

Two weeks ago, he began sending me messages on Facebook, asking how I was. I responded politely. However, in his latest message he asked me to a big dance. 

He seems to be a nice guy, but since I barely know him, I don’t feel comfortable accepting. How do I turn him down nicely, without hurting his feelings?

- Delicate

If you’d like to get to know him better, tell him so; but add that you think it’d be awkward for both of you to attend a special event together, at this stage. 

Thank him for thinking of you; and, if you’re willing, suggest he keeps in contact. Ask if he’s taking another course this summer, and chat about your own plans, to indicate friendly interest.