I'm getting fed up with my son-in-law’s ongoing (“joking”) sexist comments. Most frequent: "She's a woman - what do you expect?" or “She’s a blonde - what do you expect?”

I’m concerned for my (blonde) granddaughter, seven, who’s often present.

I'm also very concerned for my older granddaughter, 18. He’s her stepfather and often “jokes” about her breast size: "How much padding do you have in there?" She just looks at the floor and mumbles something.

She already has self-esteem problems and other serious issues (her last relationship was very abusive).

I've said nothing, to avoid creating family disharmony, but feel a strong need to protect my granddaughters.

I believe he treats his wife (my daughter) well. I don't know how she feels about, or notices, his inappropriate comments (she’s often distracted).

If I express my concerns to her, she’ll tell him what I said and this will cause friction.

In most other ways he’s a good, loving and very involved father and husband.

My husband supports me on this. What approach should I take?

Sexist Son-in-law

Your husband can say the following: That young girls today, and especially teenagers, see these “jokes” as put-downs.

That what once was considered harmless humour has been proven to undermine girls’ self-confidence, and affect adolescents’ and teens’ body image.

Regular put-downs, especially at home, contribute to females’ underachievement in school and health-risking eating disorders.

He should stress this man’s otherwise caring fatherhood. However, their regard for him makes the insult more powerful in its negative message.

Our 21-year-old son’s been involved for two years with a woman, 44, with two minor children, still living with her husband.

I believe the couple just does their own thing. Since this hook-up, our son’s become rude and disrespectful. He’s alienated all his friends and family. His brother, 18, can't stand having him around anymore. 

They were both working for a company and signed a contract that stipulated upper management wouldn’t socialize with employees, except for company functions.

I was going to call the company and file a complaint, which would’ve also affected my son. So I forced him to leave the company. But after a year he returned because another employee fell sick.

I don’t allow this woman to come over. My wife asked my son to set up a meeting with her and so far he has not.

Should we meet her, call the company, or kick him out? We’re tired of the verbal abuse. It’s as though our kind-hearted, big teddy-bear son has been possessed by the devil who happens to be this woman.

No one speaks highly of her and we know that she’s manipulating him. We need help to save him.

Desperate Parents

He’s a willing victim, partly because of the highly addictive drug of “forbidden” love and sex. But also, partly, because of your opposition to something he craves so much.

Nevertheless, he’s an adult and must take responsibility. If you “save” him from her, he’ll resent you further even if they ultimately end it.

Tell him to leave, unless 1) the verbal abuse stops, 2) he behaves decently with his brother and everyone else in your household, and 3) he understands that he’s affecting the lives of small children, even if their mother doesn’t care, and therefore you cannot approve nor meet her.

He’ll likely refuse. Then, send him out on his own, as an independent adult who’s stopped caring about family, friends, his work reputation, or those children.

Keep some contact for when he crashes.

FEEDBACK More about the married woman who had sex with another man (Nov. 27):

Reader – “Her husband’s clearly controlling and vengeful.

“Now he has her dangling about whether he’ll leave, and whether he’ll tell her family.

“His nature may be what drove her to seek another relationship.

“No, it doesn't make it right, but it’d help her to understand her situation and move forward.

“I think she should consult a divorce lawyer re: custody and finances, and confess to her family so he has that weapon removed.”

Ellie – You’re correct that it’s apparent she’s been living with a controller. Yet not everyone in a difficult marriage is emotionally strong enough or confident to fight back.

She wrongly used a short-lived affair as “escape,” but when caught, her undeniable guilt became the main issue.

Only with professional help can she “move forward,” or have an equal relationship, even if he wants to stay.