I’ve been married for 18 months after dating for over a year. My husband is late-50's. I’m early-50's.
Over the last year he’s been declining in our sex life to about twice a month. He’s told me he has absolutely no sex drive or desire.
He constantly says how pretty I am but won’t touch me. I ask, and he mostly says no.
When it does happen it’s always the same position and absolutely awful.
I love my husband. He’s admitted that before me, he was with many women and was very sexually active.
I feel like a fat, ugly duckling who cannot spark my husband.
I’ve suggested seeing doctors or a therapist but he refuses.
Meantime my self-esteem is in the toilet and I fear my marriage won’t last.
He’s adamantly insisted there’s no one else and I believe him.
I cannot imagine the rest of my life spent like this.
Should I End It?
Before making that decision, you need to understand what’s really going on. And he needs to know that if nothing changes, he’s on his own.
Ask him, to be honest about why he won’t see a doctor or therapist… what’s he afraid of?
Explain that his lack of libido may have to do with a health problem he’s ignoring and letting get worse. So he needs answers for his sake, not just yours.
Be clear that his rejection is damaging your self-image and making you feel you must leave him to regain confidence and another chance at happiness.
Remind him it will mean both of you going through the stresses of legally dividing assets, getting divorced, etc.
His responses will help you decide what to do.
I’m a man separated for three years after a 20-year marriage.
I’ve since dated a dozen different women, sometimes for several months, sometimes only twice.
The last two “relationships” ended after I pulled back about something I disliked, e.g. the last person I met was extremely uncomfortable about any public affection.
I always stopped all communication and so did those women.
I’m shocked and confused about why I do it. But I keep meeting/flirting with and seeing women.
I love their presence, am stupidly romantic, and love not just sex, but the intimate closeness of another.
Yet things fizzle almost exclusively because of me.
Initially, it was because of a depression. Now I either see no future or get ticked off by something and end it.
This serial flirting/dating pattern is going nowhere and leaving me more depressed.
I fear that I’ll get old and never be attractive to anyone again.
I’m an accomplished professional and a mature person in most ways, but this side of me is still 15.
My overwhelming desire for a woman’s closeness has always been a problem.
Immature Adult Man
Unlike many adults lost in the cycle of dating turn-ons and turn-offs, you at least know a major part of the problem starts with you.
It means you can do something about it. Just staying depressed isn’t helpful.
Since you’ve done half the work of making change by understanding your own part, go do the other half by talking it out with a professional counsellor.
Together, you’ll probe what affected your socializing with the opposite sex back in your mid-teens. And why female “closeness” was so important.
Then, getting insight about what makes you set up each anticipated “romance” towards failure, by becoming critical and unforgiving CAN change your life.
Reader’s Commentary – “Here’s a #MeToo story with a “different” ending:
“I was a University student. I had just finished my last class and was walking back to my apartment.
“It was still daylight when a male walking by me on a main street suddenly reached out and grabbed my breast, then continued walking.
“I’d recently broken up with an emotionally abusive man, and had had enough.
“I instinctively whipped off my knapsack that was filled with heavy textbooks, and slammed-dunked my attacker on the head.
“I then kicked him in the butt, looked into his eyes, then growled, “Do not EVER do that again – or else!”
Ellie – Very satisfying for you, I understand. But violence is dangerous for both parties. Friends could’ve joined him and you would’ve suffered a far worse attack.
Today’s #MeToo movement is towards reporting to police, other authorities and employers, so those who sexually assault face long-term consequences.
Tip of the day:
Arbitrarily rejecting sex without a health reason or trying therapy is a relationship exit strategy.