Six months ago my husband died from inoperable lung cancer. I miss him and feel totally lost without him. I also feel extremely guilty for not trying harder to get him to quit smoking.
Whenever something came up about his smoking, he’d rebuff my concerns, and I’d give up to avoid conflict between us. I now realize how wrong I was. I should’ve kept after him until he quit, and maybe he’d be here with me today. I feel that I made the worst mistake of my life in not being more assertive.

- Guilt-ridden Widow

I’m sorry for your loss and understand how difficult it is for you.
You’re in the midst of a natural and necessary grieving process, which usually takes at least one year before you can start moving forward. This grief process often brings out feelings of guilt about what you or others could’ve or “should’ve” done.
Yet you must realize that ultimately your late husband was an adult who suffered a nicotine addiction and needed to find his own determination to end it.
However, you CAN make a difference in other peoples’ lives by your expressing how devastating it is for those left behind, when a smoker fails to recognize the potentially fatal health risks of smoking.
To help you publicize the concerns of smokers’ loved ones, I’m providing some resources about aids to stopping smoking:

• Recommended Reading: Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking, this bestseller has helped millions quit through understanding why they smoke, rather than through scare tactics.

• Nicotine Anonymous at www.nicotine-anonymous.org, is a non-profit 12-step fellowship of men and women helping each other live nicotine-free lives. It welcomes all those seeking freedom from nicotine addiction, including those using cessation programs and nicotine withdrawal aids. It offers group support and recovery using the 12 steps as adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous to achieve abstinence from nicotine. The organization provides a list of in-person meetings available by country, but also offers telephone meetings and Internet meetings for those who require them.

• See Health Canada’s web site, www.hc-sc.gc.ca, and search Quit Smoking, which reports, “The minute you stop smoking, your body will begin cleansing itself of tobacco toxins.” Through this site you can order a Health Canada publication, “On the Road to Quitting - Guide to Becoming a Non-Smoker,” or subscribe to an E-Quit program, though which free daily e-mail messages will support you through the quitting process, one day at a time. E-Quit will prepare you to quit smoking 20 days after you receive the first message. You’ll receive a new e-mail each day for the next eight weeks.

I’m 23 and very frustrated with my boyfriend of three years: He’s not working. He does landscaping, but it’s seasonal.
Previously, he’s gone to school or snowplowed in the winter but this year he took a cash job and went on unemployment benefits.
The construction was cancelled and he’s taken a month off - with another month to go until his landscaping work resumes.
I think he’s being lazy; he should be looking for work.
We don’t live together, so I’m not supporting him financially.
I’m career ambitious – I graduated from a top business school and worked hard for eight months looking for a job I love.
He’s 24, and landscaped since high school. Since my father worked in a trade, and my mom was on the executive track at a major company, I have no problem with being the primary breadwinner when we marry. But I do have a work ethic, and it bothers me that he doesn’t care about not working.
I’m concerned that we’ll go through this every winter.

- Stressed

A conflict of values can destroy a relationship. So step outside your frustration, and have an honest conversation with yourself. Can you truly accept eventually sharing not only expenses but lifestyle with someone who’s not as devoted as you are to career advancement, and producing income?
You are not your mother’s mirror image and can’t automatically accept whatever she accommodated.
You chose this boyfriend at age 20 for various reasons that applied then… ask yourself if that choice still works for the woman you’ve become.
If the answer is YES, then get off his case, he’ll be working again soon. He tried to make money in between jobs but circumstances changed.
He may plan differently for next year, but not if you harangue him.