After 28 years of marriage and two children my wife recently said we should go our separate ways.
I was blindsided. We’ve had bumps in the road, but until last year, seemed to be doing well.
I’d asked then if anything was wrong as she withdrew and preferred her own company.
She’s joined an all-woman exercise class, has been doing a lot of positive thinking, writing everything down, keeping track of all her expenses.
I’ve offered to see a marriage therapist, but don’t know how to find a good one in my area.

Stunned

Even if your wife won’t attend counselling with you, go alone. Ask the therapist for help starting an open and honest conversation with your wife about why her feelings have changed.

You need this talk, to show your desire to understand what she’s feeling.

Tell her she’s shown strong signals of increased independence and you respect this.

Once you open the discussion, she may agree to go to marital therapy with you.

To search for a marriage counsellor, read, “Find A Therapist” on my website, www.ellieadvice.com.

My sister and her three children moved back here from another country a decade ago. Her husband had been physically abusive to her several times in the past, but she’d stayed with him. He followed her here.

She soon discovered that he’d had a long-term affair. Their bitter divorce involved court-ordered child support, which he has never paid.

He returned to his home country. She barely allows him to contact his children, as it upsets them and her.

She doesn’t work, and may lose her house soon. My brother, our mom, and I have been supporting her.

She’s on disability for a diagnosed mental health disorder, is depressed, and in therapy. Her children are troubled.

If we try to give her advice, she gets upset and angry.
She lives near our ailing mom but has little contact with her.

Our family has tried to encourage contact as Mom is hurt, but she says that she has too many problems to handle this too.

My relationship with her is superficial as I can't be honest with her.
Therapy doesn't seem to be helping her at all. I doubt she’d agree to my attending a therapy session with her, so I haven't made the suggestion. This situation’s affecting all of us.

My brother believes she has suicidal thoughts.

Do we just let her fall, and let mom cry, and see where the chips land?

Distraught Family

Your family is too caring to walk away from her. You’re all naturally frustrated, worried about your mom, and her, not to mention her children.

Your sister’s avoiding your mom and easily upset because she truly is overwhelmed.

The legal system would be one route to pursue, to get the financial support owed by her husband, but his living in another country makes that difficult. Still, it’s worth checking with the court and a lawyer about any international agreements and methods to pursue this.

Tell your sister how much you all care, and do ask if you can attend therapy with her (to support her, not to speak for her). Do NOT give her advice, but help her seek it. The therapist needs to know she’s mentioned suicide.

She also needs supportive interest regarding her children.

Offer to accompany her to visit Mom, for both their sakes. It’s currently too much for her, on her own. Your mother will accept that her daughter’s situation creates crippling isolation, if you and your brother do so.

FEEDBACK Regarding a brother’s lack of help in the ice storm (Jan.29):

Reader –“We were without power for three days, across the road it was six days.

“I took my disabled husband to the warming shelter on the third day and stayed with him for that night. I met a couple from the other side and offered a meal.

“Unfortunately, at various points, the warming centres and hotels were full. The best thing was for people with power to help those who lost it.

“Yet many, like a woman who had power and a big house to herself, whom I went to see with a gift, only suggested the shelters.
“I’ll be getting a generator so I don’t have this predicament again. And perhaps I can then extend a hand to those in need.

“There are way too many people in our city who do not care about others.”