I've been in a relationship for eight years (most of my 20s) and although I love my partner, I feel like we've come to a crossroad.
He's early-30s, four years older than me, and still hesitating about marriage and children. He says it’s for practical reasons, such as the fact that we both don’t have big salaries at the moment.
I want a future with him, but think there will never be a perfect moment and am kind of fed up with his half-in, half-out behavior.
I never cheated on him until recently (a kiss, only) with a coworker.
I'm torn between the two of them. I have history and love with one, but chemistry with the other.
You’re not “torn” by a kiss, but you are looking for an out.
It’s a crummy way to leave this long relationship, especially when you still love the man. You’ll end things as a cheater, as opposed to being the mature partner who deserves a commitment with defined future plans, or the agreed freedom to move on.
Lust plus escapism can feel “chemically” powerful, but has even less guarantees of happiness than your current relationship. So use the kiss as your own red alert, that it’s time to confront your boyfriend.
You don’t want excuses. If he’s in, you need to plan a timeline and goals – e.g. a small, affordable wedding within a year, and both of you seeking better jobs.
Otherwise, say thanks for the memories… and goodbye.
I’ve been retired for over a year now. I had many work friends, but almost all of them are immersed in their work and personal lives, and have basically drifted away.
However, one person took up my offer (to all my work friends) of meeting once a month for a chat at the local coffee shop, to share small talk about our old workplace, our families, etc.
But a marital issue has arisen as my wife believes that since this friend is a (younger) female, it is not at all appropriate for us to meet monthly, and causes marital trust issues.
For reference, we’ve been married over 30 years with zero straying of any sort, and with no intentions on my part of ever doing so.
Bottom line, am I a daft old guy in thinking that it matters not the gender, colour, or religious beliefs of whom you wish to be friends with?
Secondly, is it true, as my wife says, that the vast majority of women think the way my wife does?
Daft Old Guy
Remember, if you use these words “daft” and “old” in an indulgent way about yourself, then you need to see your wife in the same forgiving way. She’s an older woman with an uncomfortable feeling about her lonely partner getting companionship from a younger woman.
She’s not alone in that. More “modern” women who accept that friendships today are among both genders, races, religions, etc. are generally not seeing the younger woman as their partner’s only friend.
But there are solutions to your need for outside contact. Invite your wife along, or invite the friend to your home so you three can chat together. Surely after 30 years, your wife will know some of the people this friend will be talking to you about, so the conversation needn’t be uninteresting to her.
More important, the friend will see you as a couple, and your wife will see that there’s no straying involved.
FEEDBACK Regarding the couple who had a “shrieking neighbor” (April 11):
Reader – “This person probably has a mental illness. In my work experience, if someone called with this kind of complaint or about an elderly person seeming not to be managing, we could call the city public health nurses and they would go and investigate.
“Their “excuse” was that they were just canvassing the area as part of their job.
“Secondly, we had an organization on behalf of seniors (ours was called Senior Link) who, similarly would go to the house "as part of neighbourhood canvassing."
“If the person didn’t want any help, little could be done until - or unless - they exhibited such behaviour as warranted police or psychiatric intervention.
“If the neighbours decide to move away - apart from their personal upheaval - there might be a legal obligation on them to advise prospective purchasers of the problem next door.”
Tip of the day:
An escapist “draw” out of a relationship forces a bitter ending instead of a mutual one.