My wife of 15 years and I moved back to my small town several years ago. All has worked out well.

Five years before we met, I had briefly dated one girl from that town. My wife knows about this, and is obsessed with that woman (who’s now divorced).

She repeatedly bothers me with, “I saw her at the grocery store.” “I saw your ex at the school.” “Did you like her outfit?” etc. She tells everyone that her hubby dated this woman.

If we’re invited to a party, she asks if she’ll be coming.

The woman’s always pleasant and cordial when we meet. My wife enjoys poking me with this and won’t stop.

How can I convince my wife, who’s prettier, smarter, and better all around, that this bothers me?

Spousal Obsession

Instead of the “bothering me” option, go through Door #2 and re-affirm your feelings for her through open affection, intimacy, and compliments.

Something’s got her spooked – maybe it’s small-town chatter (very likely), local women who like to stir the pot (just as likely), something about “that woman” that’s intimidating or off-putting, her own insecurity, etc.

Just dismissing her anxieties/obsession makes it worse. The fact you speak only of how it bothers you, misses how it bothers her!

She’s asking for reassurance in a big way. Give it.

I'm a guy, early-30s. My roommate and I have known each other for years, have a lot of the same friends, and we get along well.

She treats me like a cross between a girlfriend and a houseplant. She`s always been very open about what she wants in a relationship, and after her last one ended, also very open about wanting to finally be sexually active.

She's already told me (a couple of times point-blank) that she’d never consider having an intimate relationship with me, yet she constantly vents about how she wants the type of guy I believe I can be.

I keep telling myself that she’ll never see me that way but still think about it, knowing that I have what it takes to meet all of her needs.

I can't bring this up with her because I don't want to look like a fool, or ruin our friendship. What can I do?

Conflicted Roommate

Time to get past the houseplant image. Decide whether living as roommates and NOT speaking up will destroy your self-confidence over time… because it can.

Better to speak up, risk the friendship, and be prepared to move rather than hang around like a ficus benjamina… otherwise known as a “weeping fig”.

FEEDBACK Regarding the writer’s debate with his long-distance love in England, about where to live together (Aug.13):

Reader – “Similarly, my English wife and I met online. We visited each other for two-to-three weeks, several times a year.

“We didn’t need visas for this, and were allowed up to six months’ visitor stay.

“When it came time for living together, she was afraid to leave her homeland. But logical comparisons of jobs and incomes, accessibility to both families, overall environment and location, led her to realize coming here was the best choice for our future.

“They should be careful with immigration lawyers or consultants.  They do NOT have additional "pull" with immigration authorities, can’t fast-track your application.

“However, they can help navigate complicated cases and work around language barriers, if that’s an issue.

“Note: Joining immigration forums and talking with other people in your situation is a far better tool.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the suggestion to use Big Brother and Sisters, so the mom can get out of the house to meet people (August 11):

Reader – “This is not what Big Brothers and Sisters is for. They are NOT a baby-sitting service.

“The parent or guardian must be available at all times, and preferably at home while their child is out with this Big Sister or Brother. This wonderful service isn’t a way for single parents to get out and meet people.”

Ellie – Absolutely right. I’m hoping my advice was NOT seen as a call for babysitting from these agencies and welcome your pointing this out.

My suggestion had to do with the single mother in question having little resources or family so that her youngster had no added influences or activities. A Big Sister could expand the child’s world and experiences hugely, and provide emotional support for mother and child.