Three years ago, I helped a relative I love, by having her live with me for school.

We made many accommodations for her, but it didn't work out. When she left, she cut me out completely, and the rest of her family did too.

It was the most painful time of my life. I still feel like a part of me died. I even went on a silent retreat. I found moments of peace and comfort being away from the chaos of my family in general, as they’re alcoholics.

Now, due to phone calls and some visits, all appears well again. Like nothing ever happened. I'm left with a small sense of gratitude but also a lingering sense of fear.

This has happened before, but this time it was longer.

I did what I could to survive this rejection, and now, I feel dead inside. How can I protect myself, and feel again. I’m in counselling.

Feeling Dead Inside 

Stay with the counselling, it’s an important outlet for these feelings. However, while you can learn to heal and also change your reactions in future, you can’t change people who have a pattern of chaos and drama making.

Since alcoholism contributes to their behaviour swings, you’d benefit from also joining a local AL-ANON support group.

You’ll meet people dealing with similar issues with family members. Some have learned, and will share ways to build self-protective strategies.

The group support itself helps keep them grounded when others around them are erratic.

You’re not “dead” inside. Just tired of being emotionally whipped. Determine to not let it happen again, by avoiding problematic situations.

It would mean, in future, NOT letting someone move in with you, and helping find another solution for him or her.

When I was 14, there was one inappropriate incident with my father. For incest victims, this was very mild, but it violated my trust in him, and in men in general. I am a lesbian.

The second incident occurred in my 30s, when he was divorcing his third wife, and he couldn't stop looking at my breasts.

I used to worship him. Then, one time, my partner suddenly took ill, and we couldn't make it to his house for a dinner. He started screaming at me.

I screamed back, stopped talking to him, and began having body memories, and anger.

I wrote him a letter, stating my feelings and the memories that were emerging. He never responded.

He told my brother that he felt bad. This only referred to the yelling.

He still calls me a liar about the incident I mentioned, says it never happened.

I’m still angry. I only see him once a year. Yet I seem to need my father. How do I let this go? I'm already estranged from my mother due to her toxic illness. How can I make myself an orphan, when both parents are still alive?

Perplexed 

No incident that’s incestuous in nature or intent is “mild.” It shatters trust, destroys a child’s sense of parental protection.

It also erodes self-image based on your wrong sense of guilt that it happened, and was somehow your fault.

It left a huge weight deep in your mind that re-surfaced and caused your understandable reaction.

You can’t make yourself an “orphan.” You’re a woman whose parents let their demons overshadow their responsibilities to you.

As an adult, you can overcome the past, and limit contact to what you can handle. But you need ongoing professional therapy to help you.

I'm 17, a senior in high school. I've liked this guy since my freshman year. This year, we have a lot more classes together.

He found out I like him at the beginning of the year. I recently learned that he’s known this.

He hasn't treated me any differently than before. He's a sweet guy and says he's not looking for a relationship now because he just ended one after three years. The girl cheated on him, so he's still very broken.

I want to get to know him better but don't know what questions to ask. I also get nervous.

Any Chance For Me?

It’s good that he’s not dating anyone now, it gives you time to become better friends.

Ask about what’s common – a class project, a book being studied, something going on after school. Seek his opinion on these things - most people like their ideas to be valued.