My mother-in-law’s getting frail so we all agreed to move her into our basement apartment, from her home five hours away. I thought she’d also help out with my daughter, who’s six.

Our child was initially happy to have her grandmother here but my MIL gets bored easily with children’s games and resorts to the TV for much longer than I want to allow.

I work full-time, and my husband has long hours, so it means our daughter still must go to day care after school or camp, rather than be with Grandma alone.

But my biggest problem with my MIL is lack of privacy - she’s always THERE. She has her own kitchen downstairs but comes up before we’re even awake, and sits at the table waiting for me to make her tea (which she capably makes for herself when I’m not there). She also comments on everything… what I’m wearing to work that day, and including my conversations with my husband.

I’ve suggested she go to the nearby community centre’s seniors’ programs – something she did in her hometown – but she makes excuses like, it’s too hot, too noisy, too many people, etc.

It’s only been three months, but I need help!

Crowded Home

The adjustment’s hard for both of you… consider living with others after an adult lifetime of independence.

That said, it’s your house and you and your husband need to establish some boundaries. The kindest way to start is with consulting her, too. Maybe she’s actually afraid to be busy downstairs before you’re up, in case she wakes you.

Her son, or you, must accompany her to the community centre’s program and even stay for the first session. There are many worrisome new challenges for a frail older person – e.g. finding her way around the neighbourhood, coming back home alone, etc.

My girlfriend of 16 years long ago dealt with her alcohol and drug addictions. She had a good job. Recently, she lost several jobs in a row and was often depressed.

I recently came home to an eviction notice and my girlfriend gone. I believed she’d paid our rent from cash I gave her, while she was unemployed and I worked double shifts. Instead, she’d spent it on drugs.

I didn’t hear from her for days.

She’s been staying with a friend, but wants me to forgive her, give her another chance.

I felt sorry for her initially, but now I’m angry. I’ve learned that she’s “borrowed” from mutual friends in the past and never paid them back.

I want to move on. Yet I feel guilty, when she’s the one who’s destroyed the life we had. What should I do?

Distraught

Stay apart for now, but stay in touch. She needs the encouragement to get into a program to fight her addictions. And you need a support group of people who’ve dealt with this kind of situation. Al-Anon Family Groups is one such group. Also, see www.projectknow.com for information.

After 16 years together, you want to at least feel you tried to assist her to be on her own. She may claim some common-law support, and if so, you may need legal advice, given that she’s also caused you to lose so much.

Start with efforts to assure that she’s in a place of personal safety, and getting help to confront her addictions and the triggers.

Your support group will have local knowledge about rehabilitation programs, and how to find her safe accommodation.

I’m 14, in despair. I want something new - maybe a guy, someone mysterious. But, I’m not even allowed to meet up with friends when I want. I want to love something new and be loved.

When I’m suddenly asked to do chores at home, it makes me feel edgy and lethargic. Because it’s making me repress my true desires.

Nobody understands. I just get the same pep talk that doesn’t change anything.

Frustrated

This isn’t a pep talk, it’s reality. Your parents see that you’re ripe for serious trouble.

At 14, inexperience and fantasy easily take you down the wrong path… to being with people who love themselves more than you, and bring you into dangerous situations because that’s fun for them.

What’ll change your life is accepting enough responsibilities to show you can be trusted. It’ll bring increased independence, when you show respect for the people trying to keep you from harm.