I’m in a same sex marriage, together for eight years. We’re both 40.

This past year we pursued a private closed adoption and now have our own beautiful family.

Most of my relatives live in our town. They’re loving, welcoming, and overcome with joy for us.

However, my husband’s family lives elsewhere and want nothing to do with him.

He came out to his sister years ago. She was caring and supportive, but still had reservations. My husband told his mother and step-father, and it’s been a horrible war zone ever since.

Only one of his family members came to our wedding. His mother, sisters, aunts and uncles never called nor responded to our invitation.

My husband’s devastated and destroyed that his family’s shut him out of their lives.

He wants nothing more than to talk to his sisters and mother, nieces and nephews.

His mother has pushed other relatives to join their church or be "shunned" from the family.

The things the family’s said to my husband are horrible, ugly, and filled with hate.

I want to write to tell them how I feel, but I don't want to make it worse for my husband.

Everyone says "it’s their loss" or "they’re missing out" which is true, but it doesn’t help the pain and heartache my husband feels.

Family Rejection

Sadly, he’s already long known disappointments, hurt, and rejection from his family.

By contrast, his life now, with you, is one of committed love as a husband, joy as a father, and acceptance as part of a caring family.

The “other” family doesn’t matter unless he dwells on their prejudices and negativity, and lets them shadow his ability to enjoy his good fortune.

He can learn to accept this divide through a process of counselling. But he must be proactive in ending its hold on him, for the sake of your marriage and your child.

Your support is crucial, but writing a letter isn’t a solution.

“It’s their loss” IS true. Another timeworn but realistic phrase also applies: “It’s up to him” to put it behind him.

My beautiful wife and I have been together three years; I love her more than anything in the world.

I have a steady job that pays well and she’s currently in university and working part-time.

I want to take a program coming up in January 2017 but she says we cannot afford for us both to go to school and pay our bills.

I understand what she’s saying, but it gets me down having to work this job. I generally enjoy it, it's not stressful, but I have my heart set on something else.

Should I leave it alone and wait for her to finish school in four years, then pursue my dream job, or go now and live on student loans, and part-time work?

Delayed Dreams

It has to be a mutual decision, not just your wife’s or yours.

Even if she’s in charge of the finances, you both need the same knowledge and understanding of what’s possible, and what’s worth some compromises and adjustments.

Four years of waiting to start a big dream is frustrating. But it can be less so if there are ways to kick-start the process, e.g. online courses you can start after work.

There may also be some expenses that can be shaved, so you can enter a program sooner.

Do the research. Have the conversation. Make your future part of a team effort.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the break-up of a couple living together (Aug. 1):

Reader – “Couples who've been living together for three years AND who’ve raised a child together aren’t just "boyfriend and girlfriend."

“They are - at least in Canada - in a legal common-law marriage.

“And they’ve already assumed legal obligations to one another (e.g., in a break-up, one partner can be required to support a spouse who has custody of the child).

“Having a child is a far deeper commitment than having a wedding.

“The parent of your child never goes away.

“Until the child is an adult (and even after, when, for example, he graduates from university, marries, has his own children), you’ll have to deal with his other parent.

“Even if that parent completely disappears, (s)he will always be an emotional presence in your child's, and therefore your, life.”

Ellie – True for Canada but the laws differ across the American states, many of which don’t recognize common-law unions.